Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Keeping Up with the Joneses: The 10 Absolutely, Positively Coolest People with the Last Name of Jones

Hey kids!! Welcome back to the All-New, All-Improved All Things Kevyn. I've been away for a while (self-imposed sabbatical and all that jazz) but now I am back, baby! And since I am back, that means top ten lists galore. And since that means top ten lists galore, here is another one! Ya know ya'll are excited. This time we are keeping up with the Joneses. In other words, we are taking a look at the coolest cats who just so happen to have the name of Jones. And, as per usual in the top ten lists 'round these parts, it is done in countdown style, from #10, down to (of course) #1. So why don't we go ahead and count these bitches down!? Oh, but first, with the name Jones being rather common, and with this being a list of just 10, there are bound to be a few deserving Joneses who did not make the list. Let's take a quick look at these guys and gals, and maybe at a few who do not, under any circumstances, make the list.

Here be the runners-up and/or honourable mentions, in no particular order: Curmudgeon-of-the-year Tommy Lee Jones; The former Mrs. Don Draper, January Jones; Mother Partridge Shirley Jones; Monty Pythoner Terry Jones; Carolyn Jones, aka Morticia Addams; old time comedy songster Spike Jones; Singers Rickie Lee, Norah, and George Jones; Original Rolling Stone guitarist (and the guy who named the band) Brian Jones; Sex Pistols' guitarist Steve Jones; Welsh knock-out Catherine Zeta-Jones; Hollywood great Jennifer Jones; Monkee Davy Jones; Dallas Cowboy Ed "Too Tall" Jones; the lovely Miss Rashida Jones (though, spoiler alert, her musical poppa did make the list); track & field all-star Lolo Jones (but not Marion); General Hospital's Frisco & Felicia Jones; Filmmaker, and scion of David Bowie, Duncan Jones (see the first special mention below for his daddy's due); Samantha Jones, the best thing Sex and the City ever had goin' for it; Bart's bully buddy, Jimbo Jones; the ever Ob La Di Ob La Da couple, Desmond & Molly Jones; John Paul Jones (both the US Naval Commander and the Led Zeppelin bassist); Rick "The guy who caused Bruce Banner to become The Hulk" Jones; Jessica "The only woman who can settle down Luke Cage" Jones; Casey Jones, the mask-wearing vigilante friend of those pizza-hungry Ninja Turtles (the legendary folk hero/cocaine-snorting engineer is more than mere runner-up status); and finally, Jones Soda. But never ever ever, the Dow Jones! As for Jesus Jones? Sorry, 'bout that. Their dozens of fans must be pissed right now. So there. Now here are a few others who did not quite make the list.

Special Mention Goes To David Bowie

Yeah, yeah, but his real last name is actually Jones. That's right, David Jones. But alas, when the future Ziggy Stardust was first coming up, there was already a Davy Jones smacking around his tambourine with The Monkees, so...Bowie was born. And let's face it kiddies, any list worth its merit, has to include Bowie.

A Special Mention Also Goes To 
Spike Jonze & J'onn J'onzz

Technically, through a slight spelling difference, the great indie filmmaker of such films as Being John Malkovich and Adaptation, and the heroic Justice League founding member, Martian Manhunter, do not get to be on the list proper, but dammit if they ain't a couple of cool cats, indeed. So, here they are, for your entertainment pleasure..

And Three Who Just Missed Out
Martha Jones * Coraline Jones * Grace Jones

These three ladies missed making the list by the smallest of margins. One is The Doctor's one-time kick-ass companion, another is a cute as a button precocious comic book character, created by the great Neil Gaiman, and the other is the former Jamaican Queen of shock punk-disco (or whatever she does). But alas, as cool as these three Jones ladies may very well be, they had to (sadly and reluctantly) be left on the so-called cutting room floor. Sorry ladies.

Oh, and This Guy Too: The Reverend Jim Jones

When I was first compiling this list, the founder of The People's Temple, was kind of a no-brainer for inclusion. But then when I thought more about it, the idea of placing a man who convinced 909 of his followers to knowingly drink cyanide-laced grape Flavor-Aid, was probably not the way to go. Sure, the guy was obviously charming as fuck, but was he cool? And this is a list of the coolest of the cool. And to prove such an assertion, here we go...

And the Actual List

10. Casey Jones

Come all you rounders that want to hear the story of a brave engineer. Driving that train, high on cocaine. Whether it be the 19th Century heroic engineer, who died trying to save a train load of passengers, or the coke-fueled Grateful Dead hero of song, Casey Jones is a pretty darn cool guy with the last name of Jones. Well, at least the tenth coolest. Now let's move on to number nine. Number nine. Number nine.

9. Mick Jones

There are actually two Mick Jones in rock & roll. One was the guitarist for The Clash. The other was the guitarist for Foreigner. I hope it is obvious which one is cool enough to make this list. Yeah. And then, after leaving The Clash, or rather, after being told to leave by founding member Joe Strummer, Jones went on to form Big Audio Dynamite. So yeah, it's not the Foreigner guy. Rock & roll, baby!

8. Annie Jones

So, while I was going about compiling this list, my lovely wife found this gem online. As soon as I saw who she was, I had to, just HAD TO include her, and right away. I mean, come on, she was the original bearded lady of circus and freak show renown, made famous by the likes of P.T. Barnum's shilling, and Matthew Brady's photography. Not just any bearded lady, but the original bearded lady. An OG bearded lady. Cool enough for ya? Yup. Sadly, Annie passed away in 1902, at the tender age of 37.

7. James Earl Jones

He is the voice of Darth Vader. I really need say no more, do I? Yeah, Darth Fucking Vader. And Mufasa, and CNN. This is a definite cool cat. I really do not need say more, but since we're all here anyway. The voice among all voices. Forget Morgan Freeman, I want James Earl Jones narrating everything. Oh, and did I mention he was the voice of Motherfucking Darth Vader!? Yeah, move on!

6. Mother Jones

In 1902, Mary Harris Jones, was called the Most Dangerous Woman in America. If that don't get ya'll on a list like this, I don't know what would. Mary Harris Jones had a hard life. In 1867, her husband and four children all died of yellow fever, then four years later, she lost her dress shop in the Great Chicago Fire. But even after all this, Mary Jones became a stalwart advocate for labour laws in the States. Even after all this, Mary Jones became that aforementioned "Most Dangerous Woman in America." And hey, they even named a magazine after the lady.

5. Chuck Jones

Let's see. Chuck Jones is responsible for Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, Marvin the Martian, Wile E. Coyote, The Roadrunner, Tom & Jerry, and the TV version of The Grinch. And that's just to name a few. A three-time Oscar winner, and the creator of three of the greatest cartoons of all-time, What's Opera, Doc?, One Froggy Evening, and Duck Amuck, the latter of which is probably the greatest animated short ever made. Yeah, Chuck Jones deserves his spot on our list. T-t-t-t-t-that's all, folks!

4. Quincy Jones

Not only did Quincy Delight Jones, Jr. compose the Soul Bossa Nova (if ya'll don't know the song, you are wrong. You know it. Just ask Austin Powers, if ya don't believe me), he is also responsible for producing more hits than pretty much any other producer this side of George Martin, including the likes of Michael Jackson's Thriller, and We Are the Freakin' World. He has also received more Grammy nominations than any one in history, and is one of the most influential Jazz musicians of all-time. Oh, and he managed to land both Peggy Lipton (Rashida's momma) and Nastassja Kinski. Yeah, he is definitely cool enough. Oh, and his midle name is Delight! Freakin' Delight!!

3. Jughead Jones

All my life, I have been searching for an appropriate role model. The best one I have ever come up with is Forsythe Pendleton Jones, III. That's right, Jughead Jones is my role model. In fact, I would say (and have said on several occasions) that Jughead Jones may very well be my spirit animal.. Sarcastic and sardonic, the food-loving secret genius of Jughead Jones overshadows the fickle whininess of Archie Andrews any day. And then there's that crown. Huzzah!

2. Tom Jones

The runner-up to the top prize (the Jones who will have to jump in if, for some reason, the reigning champ cannot fulfill their duties) is the one and only, Sir Thomas Jones Woodward of the great semi-nation of Wales. Yeah, that's right, Tom Jones is a freakin' knight. But the real reason for Tom Jones being in the number two spot, the thing that makes him almost the coolest of all the cool, is his music. And that sure ain't unusual. Oh, and according to legend he took the virginity of Cassandra Peterson, later to be known as Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. That's right, bitches. Now on to number one...

1. Indiana Jones

Come on! Could it have been anyone else? Of course not. When compiling a list of the absolutely, positively coolest people with the last name of Jones, you have to place Professor Henry "Indiana" Jones, Jr., in the top spot. Yeah, they may have originally named the dog Indiana, but this nickname-swipin', fedora-wearin', bullwhip snappin', archaeologist extraordinaire, is the coolest of the cool. Even possibly as cool as Han Solo. Possibly. Oh, and when you are thinking of how cool Indy is, please remember to not think of that fourth Indiana Jones film. See, that's how cool he is! Even with that fourth film, he still gets the top spot here. Huzzah!

That's it gang. See ya 'round the web.


  1. Oh looking forward to more top 10 lists plus...Annie Jones looks like a man...maybe the male (male??) version of Caitlyn Jenner but much, much cooler. Love that Chuck Jones is on here-he deserves all the love and so does James Earl Jones.

    1. Glad to hear ya'll anticipating more top tens...cause more are on the way.