Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Heavenly Body of the Month: Mars! Mars! Mars!

Hello, and welcome to the first edition of our Heavenly Body of the Month series. Granted, even though this is the first of that series, it is actually the 78th in the series, which up until now, was called Heavenly Body of the Week. The weekly aspect of our little outer space game had already been getting rather loosey goosey even before my recent 3-month sabbatical, so we went and changed things up a bit. But enough of all this, let's get on with why we are here right now.

More oft than not, my choice for heavenly body has been some so-called fictional planet or moon or what have you. Whether it be Tatooine or Gallifrey or even Magneto's Asteroid M, the majority have been fictional places. Well, at least I am saying these places are fictional. That's just for the Muggles in the audience. We know better though, don't we? Anyhoo, I digress.

Today, our heavenly body is the real life planet of Mars. I figure, the red planet has been in the news lately, so why not give it some lovin' here too. But do beware oh true believers, for Mars is a dangerous place. Not to sound too xenophobic, or whatever the word would be in this case, but Martians cannot be trusted. I repeat, never trust a Martian. Never. Just ask Ray Bradbury. They do not come in peace. Even if they say they come in peace, as in Mars Attacks!, do not believe them, because they do not. These are the real aliens we need to deport. Fuckin' Martian scum! Yeah, NASA now says there may be water on Mars. Well, any self-respecting Whovian knows that is not a good thing. If they start bottling Martian water, do not drink it. Or maybe some should drink it. Weed out all those aforementioned Muggles. But again, I digress.

Mars is a mighty planet. It has been the setting for more film and literature than any other planet save Earth. There is even a film out right now, about poor, not-so-hapless Matt Damon, stuck on the red planet. There have been a slew of great films set on Mars. From the silent Russian film, Aelita: Queen of Mars to Brian De Palma's oft-maligned (and wrongly so) Mission to Mars. The planet is named after the Roman God (better known as Ares to all you Greek-minded folk) and there is even a candy bar named after it. Granted, the Mars bar ain't no Milky Way, but it ain't half bad either. We also have Marvin the Martian, but that just brings us back to the no-good, untrustworthy Martian stereotype, and I wanted to veer away from that for the rest of this post. Oh hell, who I am kidding. The Martian is a bastard, and needs to be eradicated. Fuckin' Martians! Coming here and taking all ou jobs! Go back where you belong ya green-skinned bastards! Or whatever fucking colour you happen to be in whichever movie or book or TV show you are from. The truth is out there, and it says that Martians suck!

Anyhoo, that it enough of that. Matt Damon ain't so bad. What? But he's the title character in The Martian. So he's not an actual Martian? Oh. Well then, never mind. All Martians suck. Again, just ask Ray Bradbury. Well, there ya go kiddies. The first Heavenly Body of the Month (formerly known as Heavenly Body of the Week). Hope ya'll survived the experience. If an actual Martian were involved, you may not have. Next time around, we may be going boldly where...well, you know the rest.

That's it gang. See ya 'round the web.

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