Saturday, February 28, 2015

The Alphabet Game: This One Is For Lovers Edition

Hello, and welcome to The Alphabet Game, where I take a look at 26 different things in one common category. This is a special Valentine's Day (a week or two belated) edition. Have fun.

A is for Annie Hall - So, here you have the film to which every director making a romantic comedy should look. Allen's greatest film, and the start to the auteur's Golden Age (from this film to Crimes & Misdemeanors, twelve years later), Annie Hall is a brilliant, sardonic look at the relationship between a neurotic New York writer and a neophyte country girl new to the city. Starring the Woodman himself, and Diane Keaton (whose real name is Diane "Annie" Hall), five years after the real life couple broke up, the film never delves into the sugary ridiculousness of many a modern day rom com. Allen and Keaton keep the film a smart satire on love.

B is for Butt Stuff - Really? Only on the Letter B, and already we've sunk to this level? Okay, whatever. I'm not sure what to say about this one. I thought this was supposed to be about "the Lovers" in a more romantic Valentiney kinda way, not a more...well, you know. Anyhoo, comic book writer Matt Fraction (Hawkeye, FF, Sex Criminals) has a Twitter account that used to be @Butt Stuff Werewolf, but is now @Butt Stuff Reindeer. So there's that.

C is for Casanova - The historic figure of Casanova is known as the ultimate lover, though the ultimate sexual predator is probably a bit more on the ole accurate side of things. There is a funny meme going around in cyberspace right now, that mocks that 50 Shades of Grey nonsense. It states how the film/book (using both of those terms loosely) is romantic because he's a billionaire, but if he had lived in a trailer, it would be an episode of Criminal Minds. One supposes the same could be said of Casanova, the original Christian Grey.

D is for Doodlebug - Now here's a good one. Doodlebug, as all my regular readers (and stalkers) already know, is my (adorable!!) pet name for my loverly wife. As you might also already know, the missus and I got married four weeks after we met. Yeah, that's right. We are getting ready to celebrate our seventeenth wedding anniversary inn March. Still not sure how I've managed to get her to stick around for so long, but seventeen years and counting. So there ya go my peeps. Love works sometimes. Both of us had to wallow through some mud to get to each other, but here we are...my Doodlebug and Me.

E is for e-Love - No, I am not talking porn. Yes, I have heard that porn can be found on line (not that I would know personally, of course), but the e-Love of which I speak here and now, is the whole dating scene in this modern day of social media. Back when I was on the so-called dating scene (centuries ago - literally, it was last century) people went out on dates or at least hung out first, and got to know each other. Nowadays though, there is no need to even go out with a person to get to know them. Checking them out on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter and whatevs, is all that is needed. If they don't pass the social media test, fuck 'em. Yup, that is the dating scene today. Of course, there's always porn to fall back on. 

F is for The F-Word - Here we go again with the so-called seedier side of this edition of The Alphabet Game. But ain't the F-Word grand. I always claim it is my favourite word, because it can be so many different things. It can be a noun, a verb, and even used as an adjective. It can be a fun thing to do or an insult to your enemies. It's the best of times and it's the worst of times. Of course, in the aspect of our little game here, I believe it is being used in the purely "Fuck me like a wild animal" manner. But I digress. Let's move onto higher aspects of this For the Lovers edition.

G is for Garbo, My Not-So-Secret Crush - If time were really a fluid thing, and I could go back to any time period, that period would be 1930's Hollywood. Yes, it's because I dream of being a star of classic Hollywood, but also it's because I might be able to meet Greta Garbo, maybe even work with her. I could be her leading man even. Yeah, I know, I have a lovely wife right now, whom I love and adore and all that goes with that, but if she can have Marcel Proust as an imaginary boyfriend, then I can have Garbo, dammit! Oh, she'd probably want me to leave her alone anyway.

H is for The Herp & His Friends - Here we are back in the gutter again. This time we are taking a look at sexually transmitted diseases. I can proudly say I have never had one of these, so like with the Letter B, I really do not know what to say here. STD's are bad kids. Don't get one. How's that? Does this count as my court-ordered public service announcement? I hope so. Stay off STD's kids.

I is for The Inn of the Dove - So, back in my high school days, I first heard about this local motel called The Inn of the Dove. It was the kind of place you went to after prom. It was the kind of place a white trash couple would go to think they were sexual sophisticates. How's that for a sleazy romantic rendezvous? It was the kind of place that probably reeked of aqua velva and desperation. I've never been there, but one can certainly imagine.

J is for Jackpot (Tiger) - To be honest, I always preferred Gwen Stacy to Mary Jane Watson (and I think Peter did too) but she's dead, and Mary Jane came along, so... Don't get me wrong, there's never anything wrong with a hot redhead to come home to after a long day of fighting supervillains, (Peter definitely enjoyed it) and therefore, Mary Jane's famous, "Face it Tiger, you've hit the jackpot," is romantic enough to make our list today. Of course, it's kind of egotistical too, but we'll let that go for now. Gwen Stacy would never say anything like that, but again, we'll going to let that one go for now.

K is for (Not Me) - Yeah, I could have went and said K is for Kevyn. I'm a lovable guy. Really, I am. I don't care what you've heard. Anyhoo, like I was saying, I could have put myself in this spot, but even though I am a lovable guy (I am dammit!) and am deeply in love with the little missus (see Letter D), I am not big on the whole Valentine's Day ideal. It's just a stupid holiday where lovers are expected to bend over backwards for each other, and those without anyone are forced to suffer through all the love talk of the day. So yeah, maybe K is not for me.

L is for Lady & the Tramp - Cute and freakin' adorable, we all know the scene where Lady and her wayward wouldbe lover boy share a string of spaghetti. It's so iconic that it's been parodied and copied over and over again, and not always in animation. I like this film because it shows how a purebred can be corrupted by one of the wild ones. I also like the film when it was remade as Grease. Go get 'em Tramp.

M is for Marriage Equality - Really? Why is this even still a debate? Why has this ever been a debate? Two people are in love and they want to get married. Who the fuck cares what sex they happen to be!? Their marriage is not going to ruin your marriage, you stupid, ignorant, homophobic jackass!! Get over it! Get over it, now!! I am sick of this debate, and so is everyone else!! I want nothing more to do with anyone who would deny people's right to marry whomever they wish. I want all of these bigots and hate mongers out of my life. So there! And hey, I think the pic to the right says it all.

N is for Nancy & Sluggo - Forget Blondie and Dagwood, or Garfield and Lasagna, or even Charlie Brown and that damn little red-haired girl. They got nothing on these two. Possibly the greatest love in comic strip history is Nancy & Sluggo. One of my all-time fave comic strips, and a very esoteric strip that rarely gets the recognition it richly deserves, Ernie Bushmiller's classic comic is the tale of true love between a chubby, nerdy girl and her rough n' tumble bad boy best bud. End of story. Happily ever after, and all that jazz.

O is for Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh - I think we all know what this sound means. If you don't, I'm very sorry. Actually, this particular oh oh oh (and so on) is in honour of Meg Ryan's portrayal of Sally Albright in the 1989 romantic comedy, When Harry Met Sally. More specifically, it is in honour of one particular scene shot in Katz's Deli. Ya'll know of which one I am speaking. The one punctuated by the line, "I'll have what she's having," delivered wonderfully by the director's mom.

P is for The Princess Bride - And speaking of the director of When Harry Met Sally, Rob Reiner also made one of the best romantic comedies of all-time - The Princess Bride. Many might even call it the greatest love story of all-time. Such an assertion is definitely not inconceivable. Ha! Se what I did there? So yes, Buttercup and Westley are one of the greatest, most romantic of couples - real and/or fictional.

Q is for Quagmire - Giggity! When it comes to makin' love in Quahog, R.I., there ain't no better an expert than Glenn Quagmire. Giggity. He knows all the fly moves. Giggity. He knows how to get the ladies to come home with him. Chloroform works best. Giggity.

R is for the Rom Com - Haven't I mentioned the rom com about a dozen times so far? Yup. So here is the sub-genre's official entry in our little ole Alphabet Game. Rom coms can be shmarmy, and probably are most of the time, but when they are done right, like with many of the screwball comedies of the 1930's, or films like the aforementioned Annie Hall or The Princess Bride, or maybe even in the case of that hilarious rom com by Scorsese - you know the one, with the cabbie and the blonde chick. Yeah, the rom com, American cinema at its most schmarm...er, romantic. Yeah, romantic.

S is for The Shocker - Okay, so here we are again back at the bottom of the love canal. Don't know what the shocker is. Yeah, that's probably a good thing. If ya wanna know, please refer to Google for all your much desired answers, because I'm rally not delving into it here and now. Let's just move on, shall we?

T is for T & A - Come on! T & A? This is supposed to be something for Valentine's Day. Yeah, we're about two weeks too late for the Hallmark holiday, but still, we are supposed to be talking about love and all that kinda junk. But no, we have to lower ourselves once again, and like with the letters B and H and O and S, the letter T takes us to the hootchie side of love. Oh well, who doesn't love some T & A once and a while? 

U is for Us - Now here is a letter showing the proper respect for love. Not you or me or them or whomever, but Us. The Us of a couple in love. The Us of me and my lovely wife. The Us of whoever wants to be an Us. Yes, Valentine's Day is a silly make-believe holiday (why do we need a special day to say I love you!?) but love is real, and the Us of love is real as well. Too shmarmy? Oh well. Get over it.

V is for Vulva - On Friends, when Ross is pressured into talking dirty to a woman he is making out with, his panicky response is just one word. Vulva. On Seinfeld, when Jerry and George are trying to remember a woman's name, knowing only that it rhymes with a female body part, the best they can come up with is Mulva. So that's my take on that word. Sexy, huh?

W is for Winona Forev...er, I Mean Wino Forever - Back in the day, when Johnny Depp was still a cool guy, and not the one trick pony he has become lately, back in that day, Johnny met Winona, and they were a Hollywood romance like none other. Johnny even got a tattoo that read Winona Forever. Needless to say, forever was not in the cards for these two kids, and they eventually did the whole break up thing. But what to do about that darned tattoo? Easy peazy. Just have some adjustments made to the ink, and voila, you are now the proud owner of a bicep that reads, Wino Forever.

X is for X-Love (as in X-Men Love) - Be it Jean and Scott, or Scott and Emma, or Kitty and Piotr, or Charles and Moira, or Sean and Moira, or Logan and Jean, or Scott and that Goblin Queen bitch, or Rogue and Gambit, or Bobby and Kitty, or Ororo and Logan, or Raven and Charles, or Charles and Lilandra, or Warren and Betsy, or Warren and Ororo, or the other Warren (the time-displaced one) and Laura, or Alex and Lorna, or Scott and Logan (just seeing if you were still paying attention), or Kitty and Pete Wisdom (she likes Peters - ha!), or Piotr and Domino, or Shark Girl and Hellion, or Nathan and Domino, or Logan and Squirrel Girl (yeah, really), or Jean-Paul and Kyle, or Erik and Rogue, or Sam and Lila, or Henry and Trish Tilby, or...well, I could go on for a long time with this one. Ya know, my wife is always saying how the comic books I read are like soap operas. Hmmmm.

Y is for Yes - That's right. Yes is the word you hope for when you fall in love. It's a simple thing and a simple word, but when you are in love, this is the simple thing, the simple word you want (and need) to hear from that guy or gal you have fallen in love with. Yeah, this one was pretty sappy, but hey, this is a For Lovers edition after all.

Z is for Zombie Love - Last, but certainly not least, here we are at the Letter Z. There's the rom com, and now, thanx to the popularity of the Zombie Apocalypse genre, there is the zom com, or zom rom com, if you will. Films like Shaun of the Dead, Warm Bodies, and Life After Beth, are some of the more successful examples of this new sub-genre. And really, who's not up for some zombie lovin'?

That's it gang. See ya 'round the web.

4 comments:

  1. I would love to see Scott and Logan get all gooey-eyed, say yes ( to more than just marriage-cue the porn music), get married watch all the old movies and have them fight it out over Garbo vs Dietrich (Garbo wins), sigh over the Princess Bride and discuss Annie Hall while they fight zombie hordes that were created by all the Hallmark cards. Poor Wino..I mean Winona

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    1. Gotsa fight the zombies...in love AND war! Scott & Logan? BrokeX Mountain! See ya in da funny pages!

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  2. Butt stuff? That is what you came up with? Butt stuff? Okay then.

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