Saturday, February 14, 2015

Be Mine...or Else: The 10 Worst Significant Others

Welly well well. It's that most Hallmarky of holidays out there this weekend - St. Valentine's Day. I suppose this means we should do something, at least a vaguely bit loverly, here on the ole blog. So why not a list of the world's worst boyfriends and/or girlfriends (or husbands and/or wives). Be they real or fictional, these are the guys and gals you would be better off not dating or marrying or whatevering. Sure, many of them may be more than alluring enough to garner your wiles, but trust me when I say you'd be better off without 'em. Sure, there are those annoying celebs that you would never want to date, or sometimes even be around. Celebs like Kanye or Gwyneth or Jenny McCarthy. But hey, there are much worse than them. Yes, even worse than Kanye. One could also go the route of Monica Lewinsky (don't leave anything behind on your date), the Joker (he is good at the make-up tips, tho), Alex DeLarge (Hope ya like Ludwig Van), or even Adolf Hitler, but hey, Eva knew what she was getting into. One could also go with couples such as Bonnie & Clyde or Sid & Nancy or Heathcliffe & Cathy or Sandy & Danny, but those are more co-enablers, and that's a whole different ball game. Anyhoo, enough of the so-called runners-up and almost-rans, let's get on with the list proper...oh, and hey, Happy V-Day!

And awaaaaaaay we go...

10. Jean Grey

Sure, she's beautiful. Sure, she's intelligent. Sure, she's one of the most desirable mutants in the Marvel Universe. But hey, this chick is just going to keep up and dying on you. Sometimes, when she comes back from the dead, she won't even be her. Just a demon or a force of nature, or something along those lines. Hey, and when she is alive and around, she's just going to be constantly reading your thoughts. Yeah, she's looked damn good in her many Marvelous outfits throughout the decades, but one could say she is more dead than alive. Of course there are some who are into that. Whatevs. She's a hot redheaded mutant superhero, so go ahead and take your chances.

9. Anakin Skywalker

Let's see. he's going to become the very epitome of evil, try to persuade one of your kids over to the Dark Side, and even slice of said child's hand when he refuses. Yeah, nice boyfriend ya got there, Padme. Oh wait, you married this creep? Really!? First of all he is the most annoying dickwad in the galaxy, a galaxy that includes Jar Jar Binks by the way, and then he leaves you to die in childbirth (spoiler alert) while he is off trying to kill his mentor. Yeah, sweet guy. And on top of all this, he's played by Hayden Christensen in those stoooopid prequel things. Nobody wants that.

8. Alex Forrest

Granted, it was Michael Douglas' two-timing lawyer who made the mistake of hooking up with Glenn Close's obviously disturbed character in Fatal Attraction, but even that didn't deserve the backlash the guy got from the quite psychotic Alex. And no way did that poor little bunny deserve to have done to him what he had done to him. I do think this 1987 film made guys (and gals) think twice before starting an extra-marital affair. Or at least the wouldbe adulterers knew to hide away their small animals before hand. She will not be ignored!

7. Ted Hughes

So, British Poet Laureate, Ted Hughes, was once married to (the much superior) writer, Sylvia Plath. This was before she put her head in the oven and ended her life. Plath's suicide was due to her lifelong problem with depression, but I betchya being married to the oppressive Hughes didn't help much. After her death, Hughes had edited out many of the passages about him, from Plath's journals. Yup. Oh, did I mention how the woman he lived with after Plath, also put her head in the oven. Yup.

6. Daisy Buchanan

Man, what a royal fucking bitch. Daisy used every man she came in contact with. All she wanted to do was have a little fun, even if all her men fell head over heels. Once the fun got too serious, Daisy crushed her man, and moved on to the next Jazz Age party. Okay, the girl was a knock out (especially when played by Carey Mulligan a coupla years back), and probably a whole hell of a lot of fun, but as a steady significant other...probably not your best bet.

5. Don Draper

Sure, Don Draper is dashing, and a one hell of a hunk of a man. He's also well dressed, whip smart, and did I mention one hell of a hunk of a man? Yeah, I did. Also, according to sources, he is rather fine in the sack as well. But on the other hand, his sexist, philandering ways, and emotionally abusive misogyny, probably doesn't make for the best of boyfriend and/or husband material. Then again, he is one hell of a hunk of a man. No, no, let's not go there. That wouldn't be good for anyone. But he is cute. No, stop that. He's no good. But come on...just one more time. No, stop that! Okay, okay. No Don Draper...wink wink.

4. The Praying Mantis

Okay, this may not be a person, but hey, praying mantises (or is that praying manti?) have significant others, so they should be included. But then, this one belongs to just the ladies, for they are the worst of significant others. The praying mantis girlfriend? Yeah, that is definitely a wham bam, thank you for biting off and devouring my head! But hey, the male praying mantis does get to go out with a bang. Ha! Se what I did there? Yeah, but seriously, this is exactly what a praying mantis does after sex. The bitch eats the male's head. Eats it! Not a great girlfriend.

3. Teddy Kennedy

One wonders what would have happened to good ole Teddy, if his big brothers hadn't been murdered. Would he have had better role models while he was still young-ish. Yes, politically speaking, I am pretty much on par with Kennedy, but the guy did drunkenly wreck his car, drove it into the water off Chappaquiddick Island, and left the scene (and the dead girl), to go home and deny anything happened. Whether Mary Jo Kopechne, the aforementioned girl left behind, was sleeping with Teddy (though we all know she was), I think it is a safe bet to say that Ted Kennedy would not have been the best boyfriend. Not near as good as big brother Jack.

2. Lady Macbeth

So imagine this. You're just sittin' around, chillin' with your homies, when your nagging wife comes in and tells you that you need to be more assertive about your goals in life. Really? Come on baby, I just wanna hang with my friends. Kick back, pop open some cold mead, and watch the gladiators (or whatever sport they sported back in the day). But no, this bitch wants you to kill the king and take his place. Bitch please. You don't wanna do that. But hey, she goes and does it for ya. Now you find yourself being beheaded. And all you wanted to do was chill with some cold ones. That self-serving bitch. Now she can't even wash her hands without bitching and moaning about it. And ya know what? I betchya that's gonna somehow be your fault.

1. Bluebeard

I think this top spot was inevitable. I mean, the guy did kinda make a habit of killing his new brides. It was kinda his thing. Although set up as a French folktale, Bluebeard is partially based on a real person, or possibly several real people. Whatever the case, Bluebeard killed his wives. Every last one of 'em. Well, not the last one actually. She got to be the original final girl. I suppose though, that good ole Bluebeard may not have been that bad of a boyfriend. He was rich and gave lavish gifts. It wasn't until he married you that you were in danger. So perhaps he's the perfect guy to keep dating before marriage.

That's it gang. See ya 'round the web.

4 comments:

  1. Oh my this is quite the list. Actually the female lead from Gone Girl reminds me of the Praying mantis. I would include Norma Desmond on this list-poor crazy gal who thinks she can play Salome. Henry the 8th is another bad ass who not only killed many of his wives but probably gave them V.D. These initials are not for Valentine's day although I have seen these all over the place on blogger land and am thinking... how appropriate. Oh and I shall add 50 Shades of grey onto my list of films I never want to see.

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    1. Some fun dates in there, huh? Yeah, I considered Henry the 8th, but figured Bluebeard and Lady Macbeth more than satisfied my classic lit quota

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  2. Nice list - I guess. But WTF is up with including Lady Macbeth? She is so much the superior half of that relationship. At least she has dreams. If Macbeth wasn't such a wimp, such a fucking slacker, he might have become king. If you ask me, it's him, not her, who belongs on this list. Howabout that, buddy boy?

    Seriously though, I do like the addition of the praying mantis. She is my favorite insect - and maybe my dating role model too.

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    1. Macbeth just wanted to hang out and chill. Not everyone needs to be power hungry like certain Upper West Side Jewish American Princesses like someone I know.

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