Monday, September 22, 2014

The 10 Best White People...No, I Don't Mean it Like That

Okay, okay, calm down people. Just calm the fuck down. Stop the harassing phone calls and all the goddamn protests. This is not some white power kind of post. No way. All it is, is a look at my ten favourite white people. How can a thing like that be construed as racist? The best white people, I don't see how...oh, wait a I get it. Well that's just silly. But then isn't everything. So yeah, this is a list of my favourite people who also just so happen to be, I mean White, with a capital W. You know, as in really white, or White, as it were. Is any of this helping? No? Okay then. Just scroll down and read the list. You'll get what's going on soon enough.

And awaaaaaaay we go...

10. White Fang

Okay, technically, White Fang is not so much a people, or person, as he is a dog/wolf-like beast of lore. Nonetheless, he is starting off our countdown. The main reason is because this Jack London creation is a beloved character from literature, and I remember him fondly from my childhood. Another reason is that I could only come up with ten actual white people, and E.B. White pisses me off because of his creating that bitchy spider, Charlotte, and her oh so precious web. So yeah, let's hear it for White Fang. Woo hoo!

9. Perry White

Great Caesar's Ghost!! The quintessential comic book newspaperman. Tough but fair, this editor-in-chief of the Daily Planet is a mainstay of DC Comics and Superman lore. In so-called real life, and by that, I mean in movies and on TV, Perry has been played by such actors as John Hamilton, Jackie Cooper, Michael McKean, Frank Langella, and Laurence Fishburne. And, just like Lois, an investigative journalist, this hard-hitting newspaperman, with a background in investigative journalism himself, still can not figure out that the guy wearing the glasses is actually Superman. Great Caesar's Ghost, indeed!!

8. Mrs. White
Professor Plum has the brains, Colonel Mustard, the chutzpah, and Miss Scarlet, the ooh la la, but Mrs. Blanche White has something else. She is a conniving black widow played by the always fantastic Madeline Kahn in the film version of the classic Parker Brothers board game, Clue, or Cluedo as it was originally called. Granted, in the game she's just a boring old white playing piece, sometimes referred to as a maid, but Kahn makes her grand in the movie. Mrs. White, in the conservatory, with the lead pipe. Yeah!

7. Snow White
Most people only know Snow White from the classic animated Disney film. Everyone has seen the 1937 Disney version, but that is just a tiny tiny part of the story of this rather dark classic German fairy tale character. Created by the Brothers Grimm, Snow White is a complicated, sordid tale of lust and intrigue, revenge and more revenge. My favourite filmed version is the 1933 Max & Dave Fleischer animated short, featuring Betty Boop as Snow White. This version was made just before the Production Code began censoring Hollywood, and is rather sexually provocative, like many a Pre-Code Betty Boop was. Meanwhile, in Bill Willingham's Vertigo/DC comic book series, Fables, Snow White is kind of a bitch, but a well-meaning one. So forget Disney, and get with the program.

6. Gandalf the White
 A (sometimes) powerful wizard in J.R. R. Tolkien's epic-y Lord of the Rings trilogy, the character was originally known as Gandalf teh Grey, but once he came back from the dark reaches of death, he became Gandalf the White, the guy we are honouring in this list. Most of today's kids (and we adults, as well) have a certain image of Gandalf in our heads. That image is, of course, Sir Ian McKellen, in Peter Jackon's equally epic-y movie trilogy. I think that image works perfectly fine.

5. Carrie White

They're all gonna laugh at you. Poor Carrie White. The poor little thing gets her first period in the showers after gym class and all the other girls mock her and laugh at her, and even throw tampons at her. What a bunch of bitches. They deserve what they got at the prom. Fucking cunts! Personally, I like Carrie, and think she is cute as a button. I would have gladly taken her to the prom, and without being guilted or forced into it. Then again, look what happened to the one guy that did do that. Now her mother is a different story, and she got what was coming to her as well. But poor Carrie White. She never meant any harm.

4. Barry White

See, they're not all "white" White people.  The late great Barry White was not only a great soul, funk, and even disco, musician, singer-songwriter, keyboardist, arranger, and producer, but he was the man with that voice. That deep, sexy voice. back in the day, if a gentleman wanted to woo a lady into his arms, and into his bed, he would use the sounds of Barry White to do so. According to The Simpsons, White's voice can also be used to attract snakes. In Ally McBeal, the voice of Barry White is used for some erotic dream sequences. Yeah, baby.

3. Betty White

Whether she was the snarky housewife in the 1950's forgotten hits, Life With Elizabeth and Date With the Angels, or the bitchy perfectionist, Sue Ann Nivens on The Mary Tyler Moore Show, or the sweet but dumb-as-dirt Rose Nylund on NBC's 1980's hit, The Golden Girls, or the sassy octogenarian Elka Ostrovsky on TV Land's Hot in Cleveland, or even the foul-mouthed, often times inappropriate talk and game show guest (check out one of my favourite quotes above), Betty White is one of the best White people around. Um, know what I mean.

2. Walter White

He is the one who knocks. I actually came late to AMC's Breaking Bad, having waited (for some unknown reason) until after the show's final episode had aired, to begin binge watching the show. And ya know what? Everyone was right, the show rocks, and the especially rockin' thing about it is Bryan Cranston as Walter White, or Heisneberg, if you will, the undisputed king of blue meth. Cranston's portrayal of Walter White, which won him four Emmy Awards, gave the character added depth. Walter White is someone you can despise and feel empathy toward, all in the same scene, even in the same moment. You will be missed old friend. Oh, spoiler alert. Sorry.

1. Jack White

How can any self-respecting list of the best White people, be complete without this modern day musical genius sitting atop the proverbial mountain. Whether it was with his ex-wife/sister Meg, in The White Stripes, or his solo work, or his work with other musicians, especially Loretta Lynn, Jack White is the bee's knees baby! Seriously, if you are not a fan then you are either someone who has never listened, and therefore needs to get with it and begin listening to the man, or you are a complete idiot, with no ear for music whatsoever, and therefore need to be punched in the face, immediately. So there.

That's it gang. See ya 'round the web.


  1. OK I love the Grimm Fairy Tales so Glad Snow White is on the list and I have the book "Grimm's Grimmest which is the original telling of these famous tales. I love Gandolf but now I often see Sir Ian with his boy toy from the Oscars...not that there is anything wrong with that:) I am still sitting out on Breaking Bad. I hear nothing but raves and I like the actor but I don't like hoopla and I am getting sick of bad shit -it's depressing. Betty White rocks!

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