Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Guest Post: The Dangers of Being The Dangerman, Part IV

ed. note: The below diatribe/semi-incomprehensible rant was written by All Things Kevyn foreign-esque correspondent, Rufus Dangerman.  The opinions in said rant do not necessarily reflect those views held by the owners of this blog, but then again, maybe they do.  So, without further ado, here it is...

*******

Hey bitches and bros, I'm back! Yeah, that's right, ya thought ya could get rid O' me, but you was wrong. Wrong like Donkey Kong, baby! I ain't been around since God was a boy, and ya might've wondered why. Or maybe ya just didn't give a rat's ass, and you've already closed this page, and moved on to something else. maybe a cat video or some good old fashioned porn. Anyway, it is true my peeps, I have been AWOL for a while. My last guest posting here at All Things K-Dogg, was ways back in April. So yeah, I've been away for a while. Travelin' the open roads of this great fucking land of ours. Basically bummin' around like Cain on Kung-Fu, or Jules in his post Pulp Fiction phase. So that's where I am bitches. Now ya know. Now we can move the fuck on.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again. I have no fucking idea why Kevyn even let's me write these guest posts. Yea, we've been friends for like ever, but still. The fact that he allows me to come into his home, as it were, and ramble on and on about bullshit and any ole fucking crapola I wish to, amazes the shit outta me. But who the fuck am I to argue? If Kevyn's a big enough idiot, or should I say, forward thinking enough, to allow me to come back here and make an ass out of myself, so fuckin' be it. Last time he censored all the so-called fucking dirty bird words, but I don't think he's gonna do that this time around. Anyway, that was just for satiric comic effect, and all that. But enough about me, let's talk about me.

So so so, now that I'm done yakkin' about all the introductory bullshit (all that David Copperfield crap) what the fuck should I write about? What what what? Let's just toss it all out there, and go with whatever kinda stream of consciousness nonsense we can spew out. See if Kevyn likes that. Yea, I'm talkin' to you Knox! So, stream of whatever is the thing. Let's start off with my travels, or as the blog's owner would say, and insufferably so, my aforementioned travels. As I said, I done been travelin' about this grand old nation of ours. I've been everywhere man. Seriously. I've been to Reno, Chicago, Fargo, Minnesota, Buffalo, Toronto, Winslow, Sarasota, Wichita, Tulsa, Ottawa, Oklahoma, Tampa, Panama, Mattawa, La Paloma, Bangor, Baltimore, Salvador, Amarillo, Tocapillo, Baranquilla, and Perdilla. Yea, I'm a killer.

Okay, I may have ripped that last riff off from a certain man in black. Otherwise, let's move on. And speaking of Johnny Cash. See how that stream of everything works? And speaking of Johnny Cash. I'm kinda out of it. Cash, that is. Well, I was outta cash, which is why I halted my travels and headed back here to Harrisburg, PA, my home base of sorts. I figure I find a job here and gather up some more moola for my future days on the road. Sure, I been doin' some odd jobs on the road, but I still figured I'd head back home, and hunker down for the Winter. Head back out on the road in da Springtime of next year. So yea, any of those local Harrisburg yokels that wanna hook up and have some drinks - you buyin'? Yea! But let's move on to another topic. The topic of me! How's that for a fucking segue?

Yea, me me me and more me. If K-Dogg is gonna let me rant, then I'm gonna rant. So let's talk about what bugs me me me and me again. Ya know what grinds my gears, as that big fat Peter Griffen would say? Pretty much everything. I mean, I had fun on the road, but even bein' off the so-called grid, can't stop the real world from poppin' in, and pissin' me off. Back when Kev and I were on the road together. This was way back before he gots all married and shit, and settled down with the little missus, who incidentally I do not think is much of a fan of the Dangerman. When we were on the road with cats like Hank, aka the fake Dean Moriarty, and Cherry and Robbie and German Billy and that skinny kid from Modesto, the times they was a-groovin'. This was before the interwebs and all that fuckin' bullshit. No interference. Just the road and sex and drink and drugs and more sex. Yea! Now, it sems I'm worried about the planet and all the jackasses that are tryin' to a-ruin it all. But hey, I probably should just shut the fuck up and get on outta here. I really never know what to say here.

So that's it for this time around. See Kevyn, I didn't get all controversial on things like religion and politics and all that fucking shit. Maybe I'll be back sooner than last time. Oh yea, one last thing: Christians suck, and so do Republicans. Fuckin' morons. All of 'em. Take that!

*******

The man known as Rufus Dangerman can be found elsewhere on the world wide web as well, such as at his website, The Dangerman Blog; his Tumblr site, It Ain't What it Used to Be; and, of course, just like every other mo-fo on the planet, on Facebook as well.  That's it for now.  Be back for more next time...if you dare (insert maniacal laughter here, please).

3 comments:

  1. hmmmm-Rufus needs a little calming down:) Me thinks Andy Kaufman/Tony Clifton made an appearance although I do agree with Republicans and Christians (especially born again) need to be left on a ice flow some where:)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Calm down? Me? Probably not. And Kauffman and Clifton were fuckin' pussies!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ya know something R.D.? I wonder why I let you write here, as well. Maybe it's your Mighty Mouse impression. Who knows?

    B - That bastard will never calm down. I'd be worried if he did. You should she him in person. Like a manic magpie in heat and on meth. He'll always be sure to say the exact wrong thing, on purpose of course. Sometimes he feels like my own personal Tyler Durden. Maybe that's why I keep him around here.

    See ya 'round the web.

    ReplyDelete