Saturday, July 26, 2014

The Alphabet Game: Beasts of the Earth Edition

Hello, and welcome to The Alphabet Game, where I take a look at 26 different things in one common category. This edition is all about those wacky wild animals, and why we call them animals. Have fun...

A is for Annie's Boobs - That's right kids! This ain't your grandpappy's Alphabet Game! We're starting off with Annie's Boobs, and we're not about to apologize for it, either! For those of you not in the know, and that would be anyone who does not watch Community, Annie's Boobs is actually a Capuchin Monkey on the NBC (soon to be Yahoo Screen) show. You can see the cute little guy in the pic to the right, high fiving with his namesake, Annie, played on the show by Alison Brie. Annie's Boobs, was the pet of fellow Community school mate, Troy, and was named such after a contest on the monkey's Twitter account. Needless to say, the rather innocent Annie, was not thrilled by the monkey's moniker. Annie's Boobs was played by Crystal the Monkey. In an interesting coincidence (if such things actually exist), Crystal the Monkey appeared in the film, The Hangover, which also co-starred Community cast member, Ken Jeong. So there ya go - A is for Annie's Boobs. Ain't we off to a great start!?

B is for Badger Badger Badger - Ever since I was a young boy, I played the silver bal..wait, that's Pinball Wizard. Let me begin again. Ever since I was a little kid, my favourite animal has been the badger. Sure, anyone can love penguins or dolphins or giraffes, elephants, and bald eagles, but those are so obvious choices to have as a favourite beast. No sir, not me. I'll take the badger any day. And I'm not talking about that fucking honey badger that thinks he's all that and a bag of chips. Fuck him. I'm talking the true old school badger here. Hell, there's even a rather famous internet video thingee involving the badger badger badger.

C is for the Ceti Eel - This is a disgusting, parasitic space worm that crawls into your ear and will eventually eat your brain and kill you. I've heard it's quite excruciating. If you don't believe me, just ask Khan Noonien Singh's dead wife, or the late Captain Terrell of the USS Reliant. Yeah, that's right.

D is for that Baby Eating Dingo - Now I don't know how often Dingos eat babies, or if they even eat them at all, but thanks to Meryl Streep's Oscar nominated performance in A Cry in the Dark, where she played couldbe child killer, Lindy Chamberlain. Now yes, technically the actual line from the film is "The dingo took my baby," but like many other film lines ("Play it Again, Sam" or "Luke, I am your father"), the misquote has outdone the real quote, and thanks to such misquoted appearances in shows like The Simpsons and Seinfeld, we will forever think of that dingo eating that little bitty baby.

E is for Eddie Rabbitt - Sure, the guy's not an animal, so much as a guy with an animal's name, but I do love a rainy night, so on the list he goes, cheesy beard and all. And yes, it's his real name. I don't really have much more to say about the Rabbit(t) man known as Eddie, but nonetheless, the guy is here at the letter E. Oh yeah, he sang the theme to Every Which Way But Loose, too. So we have that.

F is for Frank the Bunny - For anyone who has seen the cult film Donnie Darko, they know full well how goddamn frightening Frank the Bunny, or Rabbit if you will, happens to be. I mean, he's almost as scary as Eddie Rabbitt. Almost. I gotta admit, I'm not that big a fan of the film, but I do like Frank, so here he is, making the list like a superstar. The fun fan art pic of Frank is courtesy of Norwegian artist, Elise Marie Syvertsen.

G is for Gadfly - Animalistically speaking, the gadfly is a livestock-biting fly, such as the horsefly or the warble fly. In the rest of the world, it's a pest of a person who goes about town challenging others into fights and frays, by criticizing them or taunting them. Plato famously called his mentor Socrates, a gadfly. Like Plato, I have my own gadfly. His name is Zuky, which isn't the guy's real name, but protecting the innocent and all that kind of jazz. But anyhoo, Zuky is my gadfly (and my wife's gadfly) as he buzzes all about town, causing trouble wherever he happens to go.

H is for the Hodag - The Hodag is a so-called mythical beast from Rhinelander, Wisconsin. The little guy, something of a pig sized, lizard-like mammal thing with fangs and horns and spikes and shit, is a member of folklore in this northern Badger State territory, and even though his existence has never been proven (which does not, by any means, mean he does not actually exist!!!) he is still a local legend of sorts. The Rhinelander Chamber of Commerce has erected a statue, and the high school's mascot is...you guessed it...the Hodag. Go Rhinelander Hodags!!

I is for Indiana Jones - Yup. Dr. Henry Jones, Sr. named the dog Indiana. Dr. Henry Jones, Jr., better known to the world as archaeologist-cum-adventurer, Indiana Jones, never liked being called Junior, so he took the nickname of Indiana. The only problem with that is the family dog. You see, his dad named the dog Indiana. So this entry is not so much for Indy himself, though people are part of the Animal Kingdom, but for his dog, Indiana. Oh yeah, and another cool thing about Indiana the Dog, is that he actually existed. He was George Lucas' Alaskan Malamute, and was the inspiration for a certain Wookiee named Chewbacca. Howzabout dem apples!? And speaking of dogs...

J is for Jack Pug-A-Wow-Wow - What exactly is a Jack Pug-A-Wow-Wow, you ask? Well, it happens to be a very special breed of dog. There are only five known to exist in the world. One of them is our little Marcy Proust. Look how cute she is in the pic, with her Batman sweater and little pink booties. Freakin' adorable. Marcy is 1/4 Jack Russell, 1/4 Pug, and 1/2 Chihuahua. Of course, when talking about her breed, one must emphasize the huahua part as a porno music sounding wow wow.

K is for the Komondor Dog - You know which dog I mean. He's the one that looks like he has dread locks. The one that when he marches onto the screen during the Westminster Dog Show, everyone watching begins to yelp and yelp, and saying how cool that dog is. Yup. I would put a picture of this fun guy up, but I already have the world's cutest puppy picture up and running just above, so...oh wait, maybe I'll ad this guy at the end of the post. I guess you'll find out when you get to the end. But for now, let's move onto the letter L...

L is for Leo the Lion - The proud and majestic MGM lion is easily one of the most recognizable symbols/logos in all the world. Granted, he hasn't always been called Leo. For a while the studio's mascot went by the name of Slats, Jackie, and Tanner. If you don't believe me, then listen to this guy, who wrote the post titled "The Lion, the Witch, & the MGM Logo: An Irreverent History."

M is for Merrick, John Merrick - Oh wait, that's right, he's not an animal. Supposedly he's a human being. But hey, we're already here, so we might as well keep going. Oh, okay, we're let poor Mr. Merrick alone for now. Let's move on to the letter N...

N is for Narwhal - And speaking of cool animals (we were talking about cool animals, somewhere back there) this is a doozy. It is basically part dolphin and part unicorn. That's right, it is that awesome. Trust me. In fact, check out this video. It kinda rips off the aforementioned badger badger badger one, but it's still pretty groovy. So yeah, a dolphin/unicorn beast of the great oceans. That's why this big guy is on the list.

O is for Opossum - Seriously, why is there an O at the beginning of this animal's name? I mean, why the hell is this thing called an Ohhh-Possum? Ohh ohh ohh! Most people just call this funny looking little guy (though cute in its own way) a possum, especially those southerners who make him into stew. Some even say that the ohh ohh ohh is silent, and he should just be called possum. You know, like Pogo the Possum. But I say we bring back the ohh ohh ohh. Hip hip hooray for the Ohhh-Possum!!

P is for Platypus, the Majestic Platypus - The platypus. The mighty, majestic platypus. Oh you lovable, adorable little freak of nature you. Some say the platypus, with the body of a beaver or otter and the webbed feet and beak of a duck, is proof that nature or god or whomever you choose, has a sense of humour. I think the bastard's cute as hell.

Q is for the Quahog Clam - Yeah, it's a clam. But more than that, it's the home of Peter, Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Joe, Bonnie, Cleveland, Quagmire, Mort, Muriel, Neil, Tom Tucker, Diane Simmons (RIP), Ollie Williams, Mr. Herbert, Angela, Tricia Takanawa, Bruce, Carl, Consuela, Connie D-Amico, Horace, sometimes James Woods, Mayor Adam West, and...oh yeah, Meg.

R is for Rocky Raccoon - Poor Rocky Raccoon. He loses his girl, he loses his manhood, he loses a fight, and all he has to show for it is a copy of the same damn book you can find in 99.999999% of hotel and motel rooms across the nation. This Paul McCartney creation (first appearing on The White Album in 1968), besides being a hapless, ring-tailed cuckold (her name was Magill, but she called herself Lil, but everyone knew her as Nancy?? What kind of shady shit is that!!?), was also the inspiration used by Bill Mantlo when he created the Marvel Comics character, Rocket Raccoon. But do not call that guy a raccoon. You will not like what happens next.

S is for Squirrel Girl - Forget Jean Grey and Emma Frost. Forget about Wonder Woman and the Scarlet Freakin' Witch. Hell, even forget about Harley Quinn and Catwoman. Hands down, the sexiest superhero to ever grace the pages of a comic book, is Doreen Green, aka the lovely, fuzzy-tailed Squirrel Girl. Yup, that's right. This former Great Lakes Avenger is hotter than any of 'em. After all, she did once land Wolverine. Seriously, apparently she and Wolverine have had relations. She may or may not have been with Deadpool as well. And yes, the tail is real...and it's spectacular.

T is for Tapir - This big guy is like the black and white cookie of the animal kingdom. I remember when I was a kid, I used to study the mighty Animal Kingdom. This was well before the internet gave everyone instant all-knowing information at their very fingertips. This was back when you had to open up a book to find out your information. Or maybe grab up an info card set that you could send away for, and receieve a bunch every month in the mail. Ah, the god old days. Anyway, I digress. As I was getting around to, one day I came across a picture of the tapir. This half black, half white hippo looking beast immediately became one of my favourite animals. Well, next to the aforementioned badger, of course.

U is for the Under Toad - "And Garp and Helen and Duncan held their breath; they realized that all these years, Walt had been dreading a giant toad, lurking offshore, waiting to suck him under and drag him out to sea. The terrible Under Toad." Yesiree, the under toad is a very mysterious creature, indeed.

V is for Vagina Dentata - Yikes! I mean, yikes!! Okay, this may not be an animal in the traditional sense, but it does have teeth, and does most definitely bite. Oh, and in case you do not know what Vagina Dentata is, well...you may not actually want to know, but here it is anyway. Vagina Dentata (to all those in the audience with a penis, get ready to squirm) is the folkloric (we hope folkloric) monster that dwells in the hoo hah of some women. It is basically a woo woo with teeth. Yeah, that's right. Yikes!! If you want a closer look, without ever actually getting a closer look (I seriously doubt you would want such a thing as a real closer look) check out the cult film, Teeth. Actually it's a pretty damn fun film.

W is for Womp Rats - Luke knew that bulls-eyeing womp rats in his T-16 back home on Tatooine was a fun thing to do. I mean really, what else is there to do when you live on a moisture farm in Beggar's Canyon? But seriously, was he really just bragging about killing these animals for fun. Stupid cocky teenager. I guess douches are douches no matter where they come from...even a planet with two suns. And hey kid, ya kissed your sister. Womp rat killer.

X is for the Xylophone Cat - So, when I was searching for just the right X animal, I could have gone many interesting ways. From the X-Ray Tetra to the Xanclomys to the Xantus Leaf-Toed Gekko to the Xerarthra. But no way. Not me. I decided to go with the famous Xylophone Cat. Elusive as all get out, the Xylophone Cat is one of the most unique...and most real...creatures on the face of the planet. And he is cute as hell too, as anyone can see from this extremely rare photo of the extremely rare feline.

Y is for Yeti - The snowbound cousin of the North American Sasquatch, or Bigfoot if you will, this Nepal and/or Tibet native creature, is also sometimes called the Abominable Snowman. You may have seen the classic stop motion portrayal of a Yeti, in the 1964 Christmas special, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Both Scooby-Doo and Bugs Bunny may have had run-ins with the Yeti, as well. All hail the Mighty Yeti!!

Z is for Zonkey - They have been called many things, from a zebroid to a zorse to a zedonk and a donkra, but my favourite name is the zonkey. But what are these freakish hybrids, you may ask. Well, they are half zebra and half horse and/or donkey. Maybe a mule too. Anyway, they are half zebra, half other equine creature. They go far enough back that even Darwin was talking about 'em back in his day. So, to end this edition of The Alphabet Game, let's all cheer from that half striped bastard known as the zonkey. A zorse is a zorse, of course, of course.

Thanx for enjoying this latest edition of The Alphabet Game. And yes, I know you enjoyed it, so don't even try denying it. Anyhoo, The Alphabet Game will return next month, with a special situation comedy edition. For now though, that's it gang. See ya 'round the web. Oh, and yeah, as promised above, here is the dread locked Komodor Dog.


4 comments:

  1. How does one "comb" that dog? I figure Bob Marley must have had one of these dogs. I like yours better:) I always felt that God had some parts left over-Beaver, Duck's bill, a freaky fang with poison and decided to make the Platypus. Of course it comes from Australia along with some other great beasts. Now wouldn't it be cool(or maybe I ate too many mushrooms) if there was a comic with this dog, platypus and a tapir were all in a band but also fought crime? They also all bedded Squirrel girl

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  2. I love this article a lot and most of the stuff you mentioned, I didn't even know that exists until now and thank you for your interesting article about animals.

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  3. That is one adorable little puppy you have there. Nice list buddy. I especially like the love for Squirrel Girl.

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