Wednesday, June 25, 2014

They Call Them One-Eye: The 10 Baddest Eye Patch Wearin' Mofos

Let's face it kids. Eye patches freakin' rock. Junctivitis aside, eye patches make anyone all that much cooler. They can turn any ordinary Joe Schmo, into one bad motherfucker - and that is just what this top ten list is all about. Simple as that. Bad-ass eye patch wearin' mofos. But before we get to said list, let me explain the title of the list. Well, let me explain it to all those who do not already know - and shame on you for not already knowing. Anyhoo, back in 1973, a trashy revenge movie came out of Sweden. It was called Thriller - A Cruel Picture, but in the states, it was known as They Call Her One Eye (or sometimes Hooker's Revenge). Basically, it was a film about a woman who is forced into drug use and prostitution, and then seeks revenge on the men who did this to her. The film is part of the Rape & Revenge genre. The film was one of the biggest influences on Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill films. The film's star, Christina Lindberg, who wears an eye patch by the by, did not make the list, but her Kill Bill doppelganger did (and I did name the list after her), so read on. But first, a few runners-up: Danger Mouse, Bazooka Joe, Big Dan Teague from O Brother, Where Art Thou?, Callisto of Marvel Morlocks fame, Tom Cruise in Valkyrie, Swoosie Kurtz on Pushing Daisies, Twin Peaks' very own Nadine Hurley, as well as the aforementioned lady they call One Eye. And now, on with the countdown.

And awaaaaaaay we go...

10. James Joyce

The first of two so-called real people on the list (but really, what is real, anyway!?) James Joyce was a real ass. Sure, he may have been a genius and all that, but they guy really was a complete asshole. No matter what you think of books like Ulysses and Finnegan's Wake (many love them, many despise them - I am in the former, my wife amongst the latter) and no matter what you think of Joyce's writing in general , I think anyone who has read anything on the author himself, can agree that the guy was one gigantic jackass. But even so, it doesn't mean the guy couldn't rock an eye patch like almost anyone. Rumor has it that the eye patch was a mere affectation, but that just makes it all the better in my mind.

9. Number Two

He ain't no Dr. Evil, but he's the second best thing - he's Number Two. Besides the oh so obvious bathroom joke of his name, the best thing about Number Two is that eye patch that makes this second-in-command evil henchman, all the more cool. Played by Robert Wagner (and Rob Lowe) in the Austin Powers films, Number Two may be one badass eye patch wearin' mofo, but much like Joyce's affectation, his eye patch is pretty much nothing more than a fashion statement...well, and sophisticated x-ray vision, and such things like that. So now, who does Number Two work for!? Who does Number Two work for!!?

8. Molotov Cocktease

The sexy, sultry batshitcrazy Russian assassin from The Venture Bros., is made even sexier and sultrier by the addition of (what else) an eye patch. And a heart shaped one at that! Sort of Aeon Flux-y in her look and mannerisms, this animated, eye patch wearin' mercenary (and the only woman, tough enough to love and be loved by Venture bodyguard, Brock Samson) is one badass motherfucker - and some would say that she is only a girl. Don't tell her that, though. You wouldn't like her reaction.

7. The Man in the Hathaway Shirt

Okay, most of you probably have no idea what this even is, but I'm here to tell ya just what it is. Decades before Dos Equis' Most Interesting Man in the World came about, there was the Man in the Hathaway Shirt. Yup, he's a badass eye patch wearin mofo in one of the best ad campaigns in ad campaign history. Thought up by ad man pioneer David Ogilvy, the possible real life precursor to Mad Men's Don Draper, and brought to life by Baron Wrangell, this ad campaign was a huge hit, and mostly because Mr. Wrangell is wearing an eye patch - and like several others on this list, a fake eye patch at that.

6. Rooster Cogburn

How can any self-respecting badass mofos list exist without having John Wayne on it somewhere. So here he is. Yeah, yeah, Jeff Bridges starred in the remake (and he is indeed, a better actor than Duke) but there just ain't nuthin' like the original. Okay, actually, I am not all that much of a fan of True Grit (either version) but I am a fan of John Wayne, and  a fan of the ubiquitous eye patch, and a fan of kick ass western anti-heroes, so perhaps I do like the film more than I thought. Well, at least I like the badass eye patch wearin' mofo at the film's center. Now, "Fill your hands, you son of a bitch!" 

5. Fritz Lang

It's one thing to wear an eye patch, it's a whole other thing to wear a freakin' monocle in the other eye. Yup, that's Fritz Lang. Yeah, with films such as Metropolis, M, Big Heat, Ministry of Fear, Scarlet Street, Fury, Clash By Night, The Tiger of Eschnapur, The Indian Tomb, While the City Sleeps, Dr. Mabuse, Rancho Notorious, and Beyond A Reasonable Doubt, Herr Lang also happens to be one of the most creative, one of the most brilliant, and one of the greatest filmmakers of all time, and as a die hard cinephile, that ain't just whistlin' Dixie. But damn, the guy wears an eye patch AND a monocle.

4. The Governor

Anyone who knows me, knows that I love love love The Walking Dead. Anyone who has ever been in my so-called mancave (officially called "The Cool Guy Lounge") knows that I have a Walking Dead Governor action figure sitting on a shelf. A gift from one of those aforementioned people who know me oh so well. And the figure has two removable heads, one regular, and one wearing the unfortunate eye patch he was forced to don after Michonne went all batshitcrazy on his ass. Yeah, that's right kids, The Governor is a prime example of an already badass character, made ever badder by the addition of an eye patch. 

3. Elle Driver

Hearkening back to my opening salvo (and post title) this Daryl Hannah-portrayed, Kill Bill character, is a direct cinematic descendant of Christina Lindberg as the revenge driven gal they call One Eye. After all, as Quentin Tarantino himself says, he steals from every movie he's ever seen, so why should this be any different. And through Hannah's stellar take on the character (the second toughest member of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad) this badass eye patch wearin' mofo, may very well be the sexiest member of this list. Well, at least she's in a tie with The Man in the Hathaway Shirt.  

2. Snake Plissken

Iconic, in that 1980's-lovin' cult favourite kinda way, Snake Plissken, the heroic center of the equally iconic (again, in that culty nostalgic kinda way) Escape From New York (and its sequel, Escape From L.A.) as played by Kurt Russell, is one of the baddest eye patch wearin' mo...well, you know the shtick. Anyhoo, the character was created by director John Carpenter, and writer Nick Castle, and has become something of an iconic fig...oh, yeah, we already covered that. Well then, I suppose the only thing left to say is how kickass Russell looks in his eye patch. I mean, that is why we're here today, isn't it? Yes, it is...and now on to the number one badass eye patch wearin' mofo...

1. Nick Fury

Come on people! How could Colonel Nicholas J. Fury NOT take the top spot on this countdown!? And, I mean any Nicholas J. Fury. The old school Howling Commando AND the nouveau Ultimate and Marvel Studios version, played by Samuel L. Jackson, the baddest motherfucker on the goddamn planet!! First appearing in 1963, Nick Fury has had a very storied career, even by the already always storied career standards of comic book characters. At one point, the guy even changed races. How freakin' awesome is that!? Nick Fury can do anything, baby! Anything - and it's all because of that eye patch. It's just gotta be! 

That's it gang. See ya 'round the web.

6 comments:

  1. VERY well done. Nick Fury is the only one who could beat Snake Plissken, IMHO. And I've even seen Thriller!

    ReplyDelete
  2. How can you only do 10?! I am so happy Fritz made the list as he had to be there. I can't say Jeff Bridges is a better actor. he is certainly more versatile but I hated his rendition of Rooster...hated it. John Wayne is great all around but maybe I am just biased:) I would add John Ford and Raoul Walsh. just because one can't stop at 10

    ReplyDelete
  3. Plenty of anime characters to choose from as well. Also I can think of a real life example- not sure she really fits the criteria for this article but I'll mention her anyway because she rocks. Sonia Velasquez- soniavelasquez.com, youtube.com/user/soniavelasquez/videos - she's a Colombian model, TV presenter, journalist & campaigner for various causes. She damaged her eye in an accident as a kid & has had to wear a patch ever since but it hasn't stopped her having an amazing life as well as looking super hot.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Great list, K! A favorite eye patch wearer of mine is Andrew Vachss, crime-fiction novelist, child protection consultant, and children's attorney.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hey everybody! Thanx for stopping by!! I had thought of tossing a pirate in there somewhere (as they are kinda known for the whole eye patchy thing) but alas, twas not to be. Another who almost made it was Nick Ray, but I already had Fritz Lang in there, so...

    Anyhoo, again, thanx for stopping by and giving us all some good commentary. Oh, and Fox, I don't think I've ever "met" anyone else who has seen Thriller. Okay, that's probably a bit of hyperbole, but you get my drift. It's a great (and I use that term in a very special way) film.

    See ya'll around the web.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Coincidentally, I watched my DVD of Thriller less than two weeks ago. And I'd give 10-year-old Gus from Motorama an Honorable Mention!

      Delete