Saturday, May 10, 2014

Motherf&?#er: The Alternate Mother's Day Top Ten List

Sure, anyone can do a Mother's Day list. A typical Mother's Day list. Anyone can list the best moms, with the inevitable shout-outs to Mrs. C and Clair Huxtable. And anyone can make a list of those bad mams, such as Piper Laurie in Carrie and/or Angela Lansbury in The Manchurian Candidate. Yeah, anyone can do something like that. In fact, the web is loaded with such lists around this time each and every year. I even did one of these, highlighting the bad mothers, a few years back, as a guest poster on a now defunct website. But enough of this boring old chit chat kind of postings. We need something a bit on the different side. This is why I have created the list that you now find in front of you and your beady web-soaked eyes. This be the mother of all mother's lists. You ain't finding no Carol Brady here, kids. This is not the Mother May I kind of list you get at Time and Newsweek and The Motherfucking Huffington Post. This mother be trippin', yo! Anyhoo, enough of this rambling! Enough of this introductory mumbo jumbo, and all that David Copperfield crapola. We have ourselves a motherfuckin' countdown to get to, so let's do it!

And awaaaaaay we go...

10. Mamma Mia

How can you have a motherfucking list like this and NOT include that Mamma Mia-singing fearsome foursome from Stockholm, Sweden. At least I think they are from Stockholm, Sweden. I know they're from Sweden. That part I know for sure. I'm just too lazy at the moment to click on over to a different tab and Google these bitches. So lazy (and it's just a few keystrokes away ya know) that I am not even bothering to look up the band member's names. I think they might be Bjorn, Annabelle, Agnemia, and Bobo. I could be wrong, especially with that last one. Who knows. Who fuckin' cares. It's motherfucking ABBA, after all. I know they are Swedish, and their initials make up the name ABBA (I think), and they were the absolute thing in the late 1970's. I remember shiny, sparkly outfits as well. Oh, and by the way, I got over my laziness while typing this. Bjorn, Benny, Anni-Frid, and Agnetha are from Stockholm, Sweden. Okay, I only got one name right, but another one was strangely close, and I did get their hometown right. So there! Oh, and there's a musical too.

9. Animal Mother

This bad mother is from the Stanley KubrickVietnam War film, Full Metal Jacket, a film full of bad mothers. When told the war was about freedom, Animal Mother scoffs, and says, "You'd better flush out your head, new guy. This isn't about freedom, this is a slaughter. If I'm gonna get my balls blown off for a word, my word is poontang!" So there ya have it. Played by Adam Baldwin, of My Bodyguard fame (seriously, man - it was his film debut waaay back in 1980), Animal Mother is the baddest mother in the whole fucking war, and wouldn't take kindly to being left off a list like this. Hell, he'd probably be pissed he was down so low.

8. Mother, Jugs and Speed

The reason this 1976 film gets listed here is for the fact that Bill Cosby, later to become the very epitome of clean, wholesome fatherhood on TV, plays a character named Mother Tucker (yeah, that's right) who is a cocksure, hard-drinkin' ambulance driver, with an anti-hero-like bad attitude. It's the Cos like many have never seen him. Well, at least anyone who only knows the guy from The Cosby Show and those annoying Jell-o commercials. Granted, he's not a total badass here, but comparatively speaking, he kinda is. Oh, and Raquel Welch plays Jugs. I think we all know why.

7. Mother Plant
As any good horticulturalist knows, a mother plant is a larger plant, grown for the purpose of taking cuttings and growing new plants. As any good pot head can tell you, it's that big mother hunk of cannabis hiding out and basking in the black light, in the closet of your dorm room. Not that I would know anything about such things, since I have always been a good little boy. Did that sound believable? No? Yeah, I didn't think so either. Anyhoo, as this is an alternate mother of a list, it's only appropriate that we have what is perceived by many (damn squares, man!) to be an alternative lifestyle. Now let's smoke this bitch up! Where the fuck is Snoop Dogg!?

6. Mother's Little Helper

Some people just know this as a Rolling Stones' song. Others know it as something else. I am guessing a lot of people have heard said Rolling Stones song, but have no idea what it is even about. Yeah, people are stupid that way. For those in the know, well you can probably move on to number five. The rest of you fucking dolts, better keep reading. Ya see, the song is about Valium, which at the time of the song (released on July 2, 1966, exactly one year, to the day, before yours truly was brought into this world) was a new pill becoming popular with frazzled moms. So happy fucking Mother's Day to you and yours. And though she's not really ill, there's a little yellow pill. Yeah!

5. The Mommy Loves You Scene from Blue Velvet

"Mommy loves you." "Baby wants to fuck!" Yup. That is Dennis Hopper and Isabella Rossellini playing house. If you have no idea what I am talking about here, then get yourself a copy of David Lynch's Blue Velvet, and watch the fuck outta that bitch, then come back here and read this entry on the mother of all mother lists. Some folks claim this is too disturbing a film for them to sit through, and I suppose if you are some sort of overly sensitive pussy, then that is probably true. But if you are a hip and happening, budding cinephile,then this is more than required viewing. So hop to it you fucking fuck. Then you can be as suave a fucker as Mr. Dean Stockwell.

4. Mother Nature, and How It's Not Nice to Fool Her

Anyone who grew up as a member of Generation X (just like the guy writing this) should remember the 1970's commercial for Chiffon Margarine. The one where Mother Nature (played by Dena Dietrich of The Ropers fame!?) does not like being fooled by the buttery taste of that usually yucky margarine crap. Thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening, and all that kinda jazz. Okay, maybe she really wasn't all that scary, but still, you do not want to fool Mother Nature, bitches!!

3. Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention

Weasels are ripping at my flesh!! Yeah, that's right. IN 1964, a band formed in California. That band was called The Soul Giants. A little later, some guy named Frank Zappa was brought in to be the band's guitarist. Shortly thereafter, this Zappa guy convinced the rest of the band to stop playing covers and play original stuff - written by him. After some arguments, and some quittings, the band was re-christened The Mothers (on Mother's Day, the story goes), later lengthened to The Mothers of Invention. Eventually, The Mothers, under the leadership of the genius known as Frank Zappa, became one of the most important rock bands of all freakin' time. They are the Zippy the Pinhead of rock & roll. Now let's all Freak Out!

2. The MILF
Whether it's junior high pal Tommy's mom from down the street (oh Mrs. Krenshaw, I remember you well) or Manny's hot Latin mom on Modern Family, or perhaps a certain animated ginger mom from Quahog, we all have had a MILF or two in our life. Granted, now that I am closing in on 47, the whole idea of a MILF is long lost on me (it really is more of a teenage thing, after all) but this doesn't mean that the MILF should not still be celebrated as the classic work of masturbatory teen fodder that she always has been and most certainly always will be. Yowza!

1. Mommie Dearest
So, I said to myself: Self? How can you make such a motherfuckin' list as this, and not put the so-called queen bee of mothers, right up there at number one? And ya know what? I couldn't argue with myself. So here she is. Now some may say that daughter Christina's book may be a bit of an overkill (even her own brother said something of that kind) but whether it is or is not, Joan Crawford will always be remembered as that bitch who hated wire hangers. Never mind the decades of great acting, and being one of the few women who could call their own shots in the male dominated Golden Age studio system. Forget the Oscar or her versatility as an actor. Nah, all we remember now is that cult classic 1981 movie with Faye Dunaway as the mother from hell. I gotta say though, I too am not a fan of wire hangers. Now let's all go have a Pepsi and slap around Bette Davis.

That's it gang. See ya 'round the web.


  1. OK-Hang you head low and I don't care, Jiminy Crack Corn and I don...Oops sorry where was I-Oh yes-I LOVE ABBA-hahahahahaaa. I have all their albums even one done in Spanish-not Swedish but Spanish. When I first saw your headline and read the little lady giving everyone the finger I thought of the mother from Fright Night asking her son if he wants a valium-gotta love her. I think Bill Cosby needs to go back to that movie and remember before he became a bit sanctimonious and laugh when he hit the gas on those nuns. Pot needs to be legalized-enough said although my mom was asked by my brother to care for it while he was away and she was really making it grow-she had no idea what plant it was. Joan has to be #1 and although I wouldn't want to know her she was a great actress who did get the better of Betty Davis come Oscar time

  2. Agnemia sounds like a skin disease.

    "Thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening" indeed! Ha.

  3. Thanx for checking things out. I'm going to be a little light on the posting over the next week, but will be back in full force by next week. Hope ya stick around.

  4. Nice list. If I had ever given birth (ugh) I would be a killer MILF. But I think I did a little too much 6 and 7, to worry about having kinds.

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