Monday, April 28, 2014

X Marks the Spot: The 10 Coolest X Things

X does indeed mark the spot. You put an X in front of something, and it automatically makes it that much better, that much cooler, that much X-ier. Anyone can have glasses, but what about X-Ray glasses? Any old office worker can carry around some files, but only the best get to check out the X-Files. Anyone can have a box, but only the sexiest have an X-Box. I think you see what I'm getting at here. X makes everything cooler. End of story. So, with that said, we should probably get on with saying just which X-Things are truly the coolest of the cool. Sure, there are some who did not make the list. Such X-Things as the X-Acto Knife (too sharp and pointy), the X-Games (too skate punk for me, bra), X-Box (I'm old school - it's Atari or it's nuthin'), and the X used in math (much like the supposed Star Wars prequels and the R.O.U.S.'s, I don't believe math actually exists). But I digress. Let us move onto the countdown.

And awaaaaaaay we go...

10. X-Rated Movies

Come on, who doesn't love boobies and porn? Okay, it can be rather ridiculous, and yes, I do prefer the sexiness of a clothed beauty, rather than that of some naked bitch with daddy issues writhing around like  a cheap whore. But at the same time, X-Rated movies can be quite god when done properly. Hell, back before the X-Rating was co-opted by the porn industry, there were such X-Rated films as A Clockwork Orange, Ulysses, Last Tango in Paris, and the Best Picture Oscar winner, Midnight Cowboy. And even afterwards, before the video industry started booming, and long before Al Gore invented the internet so we could watch porn 24/7, there were some (somewhat) artistic X-Rated films. Films like Deep Throat and the like. Okay, maybe I'm just including this one for the boobies. Sue me.

9. X-Ray Glasses

And speaking of seeing people nude, howzabout using X-Ray Specs to see right through a person. I remember these being sold in the ads in comic books back in my childhood, otherwise known as my misbegotten youth, but they (of course) never really worked. Granted, some of the characters in these comic books had x-ray vision (Superman, Booster Gold) but those damn glasses sent through the mail, never worked! A little later on in life, I saw the sci-fi film, They Live, and thanx to a friend who worked as a deejay at teh local radio station that was promoting the film, I managed to procure a pair of the alien-seeing glasses from the film. Alas, these too were useless. Damn those X-Ray Glasses!

8. X-Chromosome

Supposedly, men are from Mars and women are from Venus, whatever the fuck that means. Scientifically speaking though, men have an X and a Y chromosome and women have two X's. I suppose since, as I stated in my introduction, adding an X to anything makes it all that much cooler, means that women are cooler than men. Well duh. No freakin' kidding. Yeah, there are a lot of idiot women out there (seriously, enough with the duck face selfies) but if you take in the average, you ladies are a lot better than we stupid guys. And therefore, the X-Chromosome gets a spot on the list. Thank you ladies.

7. The Man From Planet X

Sure, there are other fun X-titled B-movies, such as X the Unknown and X: The Man With X-Ray Eyes, but my favourite has always been the 1951 Edgar G. Ulmer film, The Man From Planet X. This creepy sci-fi film was just as much film noir as it is sci-fi. After all, it was directed by the king of the B-noir. A highly influential film on future sci-fi movies, we get a cool alien, who no one is quite sure if he comes in peace or not, and we also get intrigue and romance and thrills galore. Trust me, if this guy had been from Planet G or [planet M or any other planet, he would not be as cool as he is being from Planet X. See how that works.

6. The X-Files

Files are as boring as boring can be. They remind me of the drudgery of office work. Booorrrring! But ya add an X into the mix, and you have yourself a very UN-boring show about monsters and aliens and the cooler-than-cool feds who track them down. Ain't no drudgery in these files, baby! One time, my lovely wife fell asleep watching some sitcom (Will and Grace or Frasier or something like that) and when she woke up a few hours later, it was the middle of the night, and she heard the voice of Dana Scully saying "I think the severed head winked at me." Needless to say, this creeped the poor girl out, as she has never watched The X-Files, and isn't really all that much of a fan of horror and the like. Still pretty funny though. 

5. Malcolm X

An icon. A hero. A legend. At first, Malcolm Little was a drug dealer and a pimp. Then he went to prison, converted to Islam, got out of prison and became one of the leaders of the Nation of Islam, a powerful counter culture group who indicted white America, and stood up for the rights of the black man. Coincidentally, this conversion into a radical, coincided with him taking the moniker of Malcolm X. Coincidence? I don't think so. Many claimed Malcolm X was a violent thug, and that he stood against everything the typically more peaceful Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., but in reality, Malcolm X was just looking out for his people. To toss in a geek reference (surprise surprise), one can easily compare Dr. King and Malcolm X to Charles Xavier and Magneto. That is how they were meant to be. Both working for mutant rights, just in two different ways. However you look at though, Malcolm X is cool as cool can be. 

4. X (the band)

There are several seminal punk bands. The Ramones, The Clash, Sex Pistols, New York Dolls. But there is another important band from the time, that many people overlook. But since they not only include an X in their name, but actually have X as a name. And their music is great too. Led by Exene Cervenka, with John Doe, Billy Boom, and DJ Bonebrake, X is not only one of the coolest bands (duh, their name is X, for Christ's sake!) but they are one of the best punk bands to ever get out there and, um... get out there and punk? Whatever, they are cool, and that's that. Now go get some of their records and listen to why they are so cool.

3. Generation X (not the band)

Now Generation X (the band) are a fun early punk band, but I wouldn't put them in the same class as the aforementioned X. Yeah, they do have an X in their name, and yes they did have Billy Idol as their front man (before he got all Rebel Yell on us), but this list has room for just one X-related punk band, and it ain't Generation X. No sir, we are here to discuss the actual generation - my generation. Okay, technically when Robert Capa coined the term back in the 1950's, and when Douglas Coupland popularized it in 1991, the X was meant in the Roman sense, designating the tenth generation since the US's founding fathers, but nowadays we just call it Gen X. And that is exactly what makes this generation (my generation) the coolest generation. Yup, it's the X, baby! Okay, maybe my generation is full of whiners and troublemakers, but at least we aren't Generation Y or whatever that thing out there now calls itself.

2. X-Wing Fighter

Fighters are inherently cool. Space-faring fighters are even cooler. Put those wings (does a ship even need wings in outer space? The answer is no, by the way.) into a the formation of an X, and you got yourself the coolest damn fighter this side of the Kessel Run. Okay, the TIE fighters are pretty bitchin' too, especially Vader's specialty TIE fighter (until it went spinning out of control into the wilds of space), but ya know what the TIE fighter is lacking, that the X-Wing Fighter has in freakin' spades!? That's right, baby. It's the X! Don't even get me started on those lame-ass Y-Wing Fighters.

1. The X-Men

Come on. Anyone who knows me (even a little) had to have seen this one coming. Sure, there are a ton of X-teams in the good ole Marvel Universe. Teams such as X-Factor, X-Force, X-Statix, X-Treme X-Men, Astonishing X-Men, Amazing X-Men, All-New X-Men, Generation X (not the band nor the generation), even Excalibur (if you are okay with your team not start with the letter X). But we all know the original Uncanny mutant team is the X-Men. Named after the X in founder Professor Charles Xavier's name (oh, and the X gene found in all Homo Superiors), the X-Men, created in 1963, just four years before I was born, have been around for over 50 years now (Jesus, I'm getting old!!) and they are still the coolest of cool. X does indeed mark the spot!

That's it gang. See ya 'round the web.

6 comments:

  1. Oh Love the X files and they could be pretty weird (remember incest one that one still can't see). I used to watch the cartoon, X-Men, and I was in my 30's and would still watch it if I could find it on TV (I also liked Gargoyles but going off topic). I always wanted to see them create Jubilee but maybe she is too happy and be killed on the spot by Magneto. The Man from Planet X-Haven't seen this in decades(ugh I can say that) and need to see these great movies. William Schallert was in that? Isn't he Patty Duke's dad? I am from the Baby Boomer generation-the last year mind you so I just missed generation X. I also woke up one evening to find this very up close look at, well, um,......sex-you can't get any closer unless the person is doing an exam with a camera. That image will not be out of my head. Women rock unless they think Kim Khardashiass and Miley tongue are the next big thing

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  2. The first X-Men issue I ever read was #5, and I remained a fan through all the years. Then when they introduced the new team in Giant-Size X-Men #1, I wondered if these upstarts would catch on at all. I guess they did.

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  3. Thanx for stopping by.

    Glad ya liked my X-List. Any list is cooler if you add an X to it. Yes, William Schallert was Patty's pop. He was also Cathy's dad in a few episodes as well.

    My first X-Men was actually my first comic. I'm sure I read some Disney comics as a little kid, but the first superhero comic I got was X-Men #98. I fell in love immediately. This bad-ass guy with claws, the cocky Irishman, the hot redhead (even at nine, I could see that), these giant robots trying to kill them. It was a blast. I suppose these upstarts did pretty well for themselves.

    Thanx again for stopping by. See ya 'round the web.

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  4. I'm impressed. Most bloggers are having trouble coming up with one X...and you've got enough for a top ten list and then some. Well done! X-Men and the X-Files were the only two I could think of, and I haven't seen enough of either. I'll have to check out the punk band X also.

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  5. Thanx Chris. I'm just crazy for the letter X. Just take a look at this: 25 Best Letters of the Alphabet.

    See ya 'round the web.

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  6. XXX's over my eyeZ... Gotta love the good ole XXX-Rated Motion Picture! Keep XXXing it up Mr. KnoXXX.

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