Saturday, April 26, 2014

Words of Wisdom to Impart Upon Future Generations

Hello there. My name is Kevyn Knox, and I am a helper - a giver, if you will - and as said helper/giver, I am thus duty bound to impart any and all of my lifelong-gathered wisdom upon any and all future generations. Sounds reasonable, right? Okay okay, maybe not, but I'm doing it anyway, dammit! Below are a few things, a few very important things, that the kids of today, and the so-called adults of tomorrow, need to know.

Do Not Wear Corduroy During the Zombie Apocalypse - Now I don't mean to start things off by scaring anybody, but sooner or later, everyone is going to find out that the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse is coming. Hopefully everyone will be ready for said Zombie Apocalypse (I'm kinda giddy with anticipation, myself), and if they are, then they should be made aware of this very important safety tip. You see, as I am sure is the case with most people out there, while I stroll around the supermarket or book store or any number of other various public places, I am running Zombie Apocalypse scenarios through my head. This is normal, right? Right. Anyway, just the other day, as I am running one of these aforementioned scenarios through the ole noggin, I suddenly hear myself walking through the aisles of the supermarket. It's a swoosh swoosh sound, and it's coming from my legs dammit. That sound, that awful sound, is going to attract the dead, dammit. I can't let them hear me.  I need an exit strategy, and I need it now. Well, after coming back to the current reality (and yes, the Zombie Apocalypse is the future reality), I realized something very disturbing.  Oh no I thought to myself (though I could have said it out loud as well, who knows), I'm not going to be able to wear my favourite baggy red corduroys after the Zombie Apocalypse hits. Bummer, man. Bummer. It's going to have to be jeans or military fatigues if I want to be stealthy and survive. So, the lesson here is to not wear corduroy after the dead begin to walk the Earth. The stealthier, the better.

Always Make Sure You Know the Difference Between an Ape and a Monkey - I am serious about this one kids. Yes, this may happen to be one of my biggest pet peeves, people calling a chimp or a gorilla a monkey, instead of the great ape that they are, but this goes well beyond just a silly pet peeve. There are always going to be stupid people in this world, and it is inevitable that many of these aforementioned stupid people will call a chimpanzee a monkey, and it is just as inevitable that it will piss me off, but more importantly than that (and not pissing me off is indeed a very important thing), it could just save your life one day. You see, just as assuredly as the Zombie Apocalypse is coming, the eventual Rise of the Apes too is coming. Now before you start questioning how we are going to have both the undead taking over the Earth AND the apes taking over the planet (trust me though, they are both coming, though I am not completely sure of the timetables associated with each epoch-defining event) let me tell you how you can possibly save your life come the rise of those damn dirty apes (I'm kidding about the dirty part). You see, when the apes do rise, they are going to kill off many a human, and those who do not escape, will be made slaves of their ape overlords. The thing is though, some humans will be able to become allies of the apes. Perhaps not friends, but at least allies. I will tell you one thing though, anyone who doesn't know that a gorilla is an ape and not a monkey, is not going to become any sort of ally with the apes. That is for sure. So kids, remember this...Chimpanzees, Gorillas, Orangutans, and Gibbons are Apes, Great Apes. The rest are monkeys and baboons and such. Remember it and stay alive. As you can see from the pic in the upper righthand sidebar (an image I use for both my Facebook and Twitter profile pic, as well), I am all ready for our future ape overlords. But enough of all this downer stuff. We can worry about the walking dead and the talking apes at a later time, right now, let's talk about something a little more on the fun side of things...

There is No Food That Cannot Not Be Made Better by Adding Either Cheese or Chocolate - This particular piece of wisdom was given me by an old friend, but I could not agree more. Seriously, there is no food I can think of that would not be made better by putting either cheese or chocolate on or in or around it. None! Just think about it. A hamburger becomes much better when it becomes a cheeseburger. The already wonderful peanut butter is made even greater by the addition of some chocolate (two great tastes that taste great together!!). Potatoes with sprinkled cheese on top. Pretzels dipped in chocolate. Eggs and cheese. Almonds and the joy of chocolate! I defy you to find a food that is not made better by adding either cheese or chocolate - or in some cases (soft pretzel bites, for instance), both! Now all you oddballs out there that do not like cheese or chocolate, you can just shut your traps and go home, because obviously you have no idea what the fuck you are talking about, and therefore are not truly part of this conversation. So there! For all those who do like cheese and chocolate (you know, all the cool kids) I again defy you to find a food not made better by the aforementioned cheese and/or chocolate. You can't do it. No-sirree, it cannot be done. Salmon with melted cheddar on top. Popcorn with chocolate drizzled on top. Spaghetti with Parmesan. Ice cream with hot fudge! Hell, there is even chocolate cheese out there! Howzabout that? Not only is every food made better with cheese or chocolate, but even cheese and chocolate is made better by adding cheese or chocolate. Very meta, if you ask me. Very cheese and chocolate meta. And then there is fondue. Don't even get me started on fondue.

There are Three Star Wars Films, and Only Three Star Wars Films - I do not care what this younger generation says. They think they grew up on Star Wars films. Some movies supposedly called Phantom Menace in the Paradise and Killer Clones From Outer Space and Revenge of the Shitty Movies - or something like that. Apparently many call these three movies, prequels to the Star Wars Trilogy. WTF? As we all know, there are only three Star Wars films. Star Wars (and not A New Hope as it is retroactively subtitled by these same delusional people), The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi. That's it! Just those three. One may want to add in The Star Wars Holiday Special, but maybe it's better if we don't. Anyway, there are these three Star Wars films, and no more. Sure, J.J. Abrams, my favourite mainstream Hollywood director working today, and the guy who brilliantly rebooted the seemingly dead-in-the-water Star Trek franchise, will be doing three more sometime soon, and these could be good, but that is something to worry about on another day. As for these so-called prequels, I don't think they really exist. Perhaps it is some massive group hallucination set up by George Lucas. Maybe it was just a bad case of food poisoning. Who knows? All I know is that there are three Star Wars films and ONLY three Star Wars films, and no one will ever make me believe otherwise. It's silly to even try. Six Star Wars films!? That's just crazy talk.

Thanx for listening. This inaugural edition of Words of Wisdom has been part of the Blogging From A to Z April Challenge, wherein I post 26 posts through the month of April (with Sundays acting as a day off) all in so-called alphabetical order. This (obviously) was the segment for W-Day in said challenge. I do plan for this to be a semi-regular series (every other month perhaps?) so keep an eye out for more words of wisdom. They may just save your life one day. That's it gang. See ya 'round the web.


  1. I think Jeans can also make a sound so the best bet would be back yoga stretchies. Do you think of the zombies when you walk through Walmart? Have you seen the Walmart people? Oh wait the zombie apocalypse already hit those stores:) I would side with the monkeys...I mean apes. I think they are more civilized even now. Love Chocolate and cheese but not liking the chocolate on my hamburger. Now if we cooked up a little ewok and placed some nice cheese on top...mmmmmm. Now Jar-jar binks burgers probably might taste a bit like eel but the cheese could help the taste...just saying

  2. I'm probably going to be dressed like Batman for the Zombie Apocalypse. Well, the hamburger would get the cheese part of teh equation, not the chocolate part, but ya know what chocolate is good with? Steak. Use it as a dipping sauce. Yum. Anyhoo, thanx for stopping by. See ya 'round the web.

  3. How about chocolate-covered cheese?

  4. Maybe I'd have those thoughts if I wrote about zombies. I'm usually thinking about families in Yorkshire.
    Pet peeves.. err apes are already trying to take over the planet, we're not doing a very good job though. If you ask me, it'll be insects that win out.
    With you on chocolate and cheese.. nothing else worth eating without one or other of them. Not sure about together though...
    What? Some reckon there were more Star Wars films made? Never!