Friday, February 14, 2014

Happy VD (Valentine's Day): Something for All You Romantics

Ah, Valentine's Day.  Some claim it was invented by Hallmark to sell cards, but actually it was invented by 14th Century poet Geoffrey Chaucer.  Okay okay, perhaps that isn't technically accurate, but who am I to quibble such trivial things as facts.  It's kinda true, anyway (more on that later).  Whatever the case, here is a gift from me to all my faithful readers and true believers.  Some Valentine's presents for all the romantics in the audience.

Um...okay.  So what exactly is Batman saying here?  Show us on the doll where Batman touched you.  Okay, even once you take away the massive amounts of homoerotic sexual innuendo that have been put into these characters over the years (and c'mon, it could not have all been innocent and accidental), why the hell is Bruce Wayne allowed to keep bringing kids into his stately home!?  At least two have died - brutally, mind you - and at least one other has been erased form existence.  Let's forget the possibility of the Batcave being an underground Neverland Ranch for a second (once Dick Grayson turned of age, he got the hell out of there, and started his own superheroing biz), and just think of how social services would react to this obvious endangerment of children - and in such a slinky outfit as well.  But I digress.  Maybe Batman is just too randy for some.  Let's head over to the wholesome world of Archie Comics.  Nothing sexually provocative happening over there, I'm sure.

Well then. I stand corrected.  Apparently there is some serious innuendo going on over at Riverdale High as well.  While we're on the subject, I would like to give kudos to the fine folks over at Archie Comics.  Introducing a prominent openly gay character into the mix of Archie, Jughead, Betty, Veronica, and the gang, was a brave move, even in this so-called modern world.  The addition of openly gay classmate Kevin Keller in 2010, was received with overwhelmingly positive hurrahs.  And even though we are living in a brave new world of open dialogue and welcoming acceptance (don't let the red staters know that, though), where gay culture is now rightfully blending in with mainstream culture (definitely don't let the right wingers hear that one), it doesn't mean we can't keep having some fun with the wave of (sometimes) unintentional homoeroticism happening in comics.  Let's get back to Batman, and see what he's up to now.

Seriously?  Come on! A sobbing little bitch Dick Grayson?  A moonlight boat ride? Okay, we all really know that Batman and Robin (in any incarnation) were ever actually gay, but sometimes you gotta wonder what the writers and artists were thinking.  Yeah, sometimes it was just oblivious innocence (it was a so-called simpler time) but ya gotta believe that some of these writers knew just what they were doing.  Trying to toss in as much randy time as they could.  You wouldn't see this kind of thing happening with other superheroes.   Not to the likes of Superman or Spider-Man.  No way, Jose.

Come on!!  Really!!??  This is getting ridiculous now.  It does make one wonder though, what would having sex with the likes of Superman really be like.  I mean, come on, that rock hard shaft would break any woman in half.  Lois Lane could never have handled it.  Wonder Woman?  Sure, but definitely no human woman.  No mere mortal Earthling.  Which now begs the question - could Spidey take it?  One would assume Spider-Man would be the bottom here, right?  I mean, he is on his knees here (or his ass at least), and even though he's pretty freakin' strong, he surely ain't Superman strong.  And what happens when Supes blows his load, so to speak?  Anyone who has ever seen Mallrats, knows what I'm talkin' about.  Brodie asks all the right questions.  But, once again, I digress.  Why don't we check back on Gotham City.  Surely things must have died down by now.

Oh, for crying out loud!!!  Seriously!!??  What is this shit?  What the fuck is going on in that Batcave!!??  What sick and twisted bondage game is Bruce Wayne playing at??  What's next?  Does Alfred bring out the gimp?  I know one must wonder about a guy who wears tights and a cape (or form fitting leather in the movies) and makes his thirteen or so year old ward wear short shorts, but this cannot just be some innocent mishap.  They had to have known what they were alluding to here - in or out of context!  But enough of all this superhero innuendo.  There are plenty of non-superhero comics out there (other than those damn Riverdale High kids), and surely they have a bit more decorum about them.

Oh come on!!!  Now someone's just messing with me!!  There is no way that they did not see the innuendo in these.  No way in hell.  Or perhaps they are not talking about a guy named Dick, and maybe they actually are obsessed with cocks.  Yeah, she's running through the forest looking to get laid.  I would say try a bar somewhere, 'cause ya never know what kind of "dick" you're gonna find in the woods. But I digress. Why don't we try looking at a different comic.  No, not Batman again. Somewhere far away from Gotham City.  Someplace out in the country perhaps (but not the Dick woods).  Maybe a place where one can commune with nature.

What the fuck!!?  I'm not sure what's going on here, but I don't think I want to be any part of it.  By the way, while we are on the subject (yeah, really) didjya hear about the time Julia Roberts was almost raped by an orangutan?  Yup, it happened while she was in Borneo filming a documentary.  Apparently a rather horny orangutan attempted to drag Miss Roberts into the forest and, one supposes, have his way with her.  It took several crew members to get the great orange ape to unclasp her arm.  Really.  That actually happened.  Anyway, why don't we head back to Gotham and see what's happening there.  Things must have cooled off there by now.

What the hell is going on in Gotham City!?  Seriously, does the Batcave turn into an after hours gay disco at 3am or something?  Rainbow Batman?  That's it.  I'm done.  Let whatever happen, happen.  Running through Dick Woods or what have you.  Who am I to judge?  What consenting adults do behind closed Batcave doors...oh wait a minute, isn't Robin supposed to be thirteen or so back in these comics?  Yeah okay.  So Bruce Wayne and Jerry Sandusky...oh never mind.  Let's just all have a happy Valentine's Day.  Geoffrey Chaucer didn't invent the holiday for nuthin'. See, I told you we'd get back to that later.  So, whomever you are and whoever you love (as long as he's older than little Dickie Grayson), have yourself a happy happy VD (aka, Valentine's Day).  And to all my lovely gay friends, if we shadows have offended, remember this is in jest, and all will be mended.   I love ya'll.  I'll leave you with one final Batsy image.  Okay, this one has been altered with new words put in, but seriously, all the other ones are real and honest comic panels.  See ya 'round the web.


  1. I think that's a comic of me running through Dick Woods. I kid, I kid. But seriously, I can understand the Veronica case. I mean, it is a redhead she's checking out after all, and what good little girl doesn't love a redhead? Did I say too much? I really do like boys, but hey, a redhead comes my way...

  2. Kevyn - stopping by pre A to Z Challenge to say hello!

    From the Market to the Plate
    Volunteer for the 2014 A to Z Challenge (Stormy Sidekick)

  3. Have you read Niven's Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex essay? That's where the Mallrats stuff came from. Also, the Pro by Ennis has a really good bit about a Superman type getting a blowjob.


  4. Esther - You really are a bawdy bitch, ain'tchya?

    Susanne - Glad to have ya stop by. I'm sure I will "see" more of you in the upcoming challenge.

    Charlie (aka, Mr. Anonymous) - Actually, I just went and read Niven's essay right now. It's fun stuff. When I first saw Mallrats, the stuff Brodie was saying were things I and my friends had been saying for years. I'm going to have to check out Ennis' The Pro.

    Thanx to everyone for stopping by. I like when I get visitors. See ya 'round the web.

  5. Yep.

    I had another great image to add here but fucking blogger won't let me add it. Fucking bullshit. It's a great fucking image too. Stupid fucking Blogger!

    Yeah, that's all I have to say. Fuck Blogger and fuck you too! And to think, I actually liked your post at first. Fuck it all. I might have anger issues.

  6. Well, happy belated Valentine's Day to you too, buddy-boy. Nice to see you are taking your meds. And yeah, Blogger does suck sometimes. Deal with it.

  7. But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks, oh Master Dick?

    A fine piece of investigative reporting be this article on the sexual proclivities of some of our more respected superhero denizens. Keep up the good work. Dear sir, you are our own Lois Lane.