Monday, January 27, 2014

The 25 Greatest Letters of the Alphabet...Screw You R!

Okay, so here we go.  The 25 greatest letters of the alphabet.  Why 25, and not all 26?  Why the hell not.  C'mon, after all this is a list of the greatest letters of the alphabet, it's not like we need to take any of this seriously.  If I don't take it seriously, why the hell should you?  Anyway, before I start to ramble (and we don't want that, do we?), let's get on with this list.  Oh, and as for R...well, you know what you did.  Oh, and before I forget, I would like to mention that this list was highly inspired by This List, a list you should really check out, because it is much funnier than my list.  Oh well, awaaaaaaay we go...

25) The Letter S - Sure, it looks like a snake, and that is indeed pretty cool, but really, S is just so self-righteous, just so 'Ooh, look at me, I'm so fucking special,' just so la-dee-dah.  Well guess what S, you suck, you sanctimonious sidewinder you.  Sure, you may be on Superman's chest, but Superman's a pussy.  Batman can kick his ass, and Batman has not a single superpower.  So there! And after all, somebody's gotta be last, right?  Screw you R!  Oh, and by the way, don't tell Superman I called him a pussy, okay?

24) The Letter N - Yeah, one could easily hate this guy for that infamous N-word, but that's not really his fault, and therefore not the reason he is so low on the list.  The reason?  None of your business!  No, seriously, it's probably due to something nonsensical.  Maybe it has something to do with nads.  Maybe not.  For whatever reason, here it is at number twenty-four.  I mean, N does start the word nerd, of which I am one, and it starts the word narwhal, which is a pretty cool fucking sea creature, so it probably deserves a higher placement, but hey, nerts to that.  I don't care if he's the second most used consonant out there, nerts to him!

23) The Letter L - What a loser!  Fa ra ra ra ra indeed. The L-word may get ya'll hot and bothered, but the lazy-ass L-letter ain't worth the litmus paper it's lettered on.  It's a Louie Louie kinda mess.  My dear old friends La-La & Lu-Lu (a 4-panel comic strip I write and publish every now and again), even with such names, are not even all that fond of the letter L.  In fact they spit on the letter.  Spit on it!  But then again, if you double the letter south of the border, you get a soothing Y sound, and you do get the lovely likes of Lois Lane and Lana Lang and Larry Linville.  Wait, what?  Seriously, I guess L isn't that bad, but still not a s good as the 22 letters above it.  Oh yeah, and screw you R!

22) The Letter D - Hey, this looks like my high school report cards.  Ha!  Just kidding.  It was mostly C minuses, but, who's counting?  Ha, again!  Anyway, after the self-centered S, the low-down L, and that N ninny, we are starting to get into slightly better territory.  Slightly.  It's a Delta House kinda letter, and that's pretty cool, right?  Hey, and it's also a name!  How many other letters can say that?  (J and K, dummy!)  Granted, we still have a low grade kinda letter, but hey guys, we also get some D-cups thrown in there as well, so what's your problem!?  Time to double down, boys!

21) The Letter P - C'mon people!  Not only is it something you do in the bathroom (or a back alley, if that's your thing), it's also a nasty little green piece of veggie that your mother tried to make you eat.  It's also one of my lovely wife's favourite foods, so I'm probably going to get an eye roll over this one.  Of course, if you add a nut to the end, you do get a yummy little legume.  But still, it's kinda hard not to keep wrapping your head around that whole 'going in the back alley' thing.

20) The Letter E - I've been told this is the most common letter in the English language.  Well la-dee-fucking-dah.  Kinda arrogant if ya ask me.  Kinda commonplace as well.  Kinda easy too.  That damn slutty E.  Filthy, nasty, slutty E.  But then again, this little slutty letter, so full of itself, does encompass pretty much everything, and it is a big mover and shaker online - ya know, with the whole e-commerce,-e-bates, e-bay, e-everything, stuff.  So I guess E can get a pass here.  And anyway, who doesn't love a slut.  Oh E, you little minx, you're living the glamorous life, baby. That last one was for all you Sheila E. fans in the hizzouse.

19) The Letter U - It's all about U.  U, you, and no one but U!  That's right, sports fans, the letter U is here, as über as it wants to be, and it is kickin' some ass from its untidy, unweildy start to its unbelievable and unnerving ending.  From the comicbook world U-Men to Yoo-hoo (U who?) Mrs. Goldberg! to the uncola to the very universal truth of everything there is, the letter U (yeah, I'm talkin' to U, Mr. Bickle) is the unanimous winner.  Well, okay, obviously it's not the winner, I mean we are only at number nineteen, but still, as they say, U are a winner!  And mama, U ain't seen nuthin' yet!

18) The Letter T - Tea for two, two for T.  A truly terrific letter.  In fact this is a letter to a veritable T.  But let's face it, T is kinda square (see what I did there?) and therefore only comes in at number eighteen.  I know, I know, that's gonna tee off a lot of T lovers, those T-men of lore included.  Let me say to them, forget the T and drink some coffee instead.  Yeah, take that T.  You may be the letter of truth (and that ain't false) but what does that have to do with the price of you-know-what in China?  Tsk tsk, I kid T.  I kid.  Don't let Mr. T know what I said.

17) The Letter B - Poor letter B.  Forever destined to come in second to the letter A.  As a grade, the poor guy can be a welcomed highlight to the typical C student, but to anyone trying to make their way into Harvard or Princeton or Brown...well, B just ain't that great, and B just ain't gonna getchya into the ivy league, bruthah.  But still, B is a bold and bawdy, buxom (bosoms a-blazin'!) bravado-filled letter, and boo-hoo to any of those bitches (or B's if you will) who think differently.  B all that you can B, and do it B4 it's too late!  But don't let the old heppy B getchya.

16) The Letter M - Mmm mm mm good.  Yup, the M is the yummiest of all the letters (mmmmm, and drool-inducing to boot), and surely one could not enjoy a good brownie or cookie without the letter M.  Hey, and I suppose good ole Jimmy Bond would have trouble getting work without M to give him direction.  And let's not forget the classic M & M.  Twice the bang for your buck.  But then again, some claim M is merely the superior W, turned upside down.  Who am I to say otherwise?

15) The Letter O - O say can you see!  The only letter that also moonlights as an expression of surprise.  The only letter that hears itself screamed out in the middle of someone's lucky night.  O say can you see, indeed.  Oh oh oh oh OOOOO, said Sally Albright on the whole situation (I'll have what she's having).  It's the big-O!  Now granted, O may be seen as having a weight problem by the thin-happy society of today, but these are the same no-nothing kids that see pictures of Marilyn Monroe, and think "what a cow."  O, what a beautiful morning!  

14) The Letter H - Whether it's the hard H of hitmaker or haz-mat or the soft H of oh oh oh oh oh, this admittedly middle-of-the-road letter just might be a bit more than it's usually cracked up to be.  One heck of a letter.  The letter H is a hurly-burly kinda letter, and one full of hullabaloo too.  Granted, the damn French tend to drop the letter from every word they place it in front of, and many Brits can't even say it (I 'ate you 'enry 'iggins!), but that doesn't mean its not one hell of a letter.  Ha ha.  Howzabout that!

13) The Letter G - Yo G, what up!?  He's a grand old letter, a high-flying letter, and definitely a letter that really hits the spot - THE spot!  Gee, ain't that swell, and gee-willikers, and all that g-force kinda grub.  A giant of a letter, and one that has its own event at the Winter Olympics (Super-G!!), and have I mentioned the G-spot yet?  I have?  Good, because from what I am told, that's a pretty important spot to find.  And a lucky one too, which is why I put the G-dogg at lucky number thirteen.

12) The Letter W - What a letter!  So much so that it is a double letter, a double U (although it looks a lot more like a double V to me - damn Romans!).  W is such a great letter, that unlike his other twenty-five single syllable brethren, W is not only two, but three syllables long.  Howzabout that!?  But alas, poor W, they didn't always know him well.  A line form a 14th century grammarian reads, "Poor W is so infamous and unknown that many barely know either its name or its shape."  Well, hopefully a twelfth place finish here will help that stature, at least the tiniest little bit.

11) The Letter C - As we all learned from Cookie Monster on Sesame Street, until those bastards made the guy start eating broccoli and the like, C is for Cookie, and cookies are freakin' yummy.  C is also for a word that many of the ladies don't like all that much, and therefore packs a pretty good wallop.  C+C Music Factory and C. Montgomery Burns are fans, I am sure.  C is also the most copyrighted of letters (ha!) and Charlie ain't just whistlin' Dixie about that.  Stop making cents (ha, again!) and I will see (C) ya on da flipside.  Case closed, and now on to the top ten.

10) The Letter Z - Last but most certainly not least (screw you R!).  Often zombie-fied (which actually is a big thing in today's zombie-happy world), the letter Z, is aa big winner in Scrabble, and the one letter that gets a whole word to it's name in some countries (Zed ain't just a dead guy from Pulp Fiction, baby).  Z is also one of only two letters that get a special flourish to its American Sign Language counterpart (J is the other), and Z is the only letter to get a special written flourish with the oh-so-European dash through its zig-zaggy belly.  Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!

9) The Letter V - Va-va-va-voom.  The lovely letter V is one of the sexiest members of our alphabet.  An alphabetic vixen, if you will.  Symbolizing the softest spot on a woman, and being the symbol for victory, V is not only sexy, but also a strong modern day woman.  V is a peaceful, powerful lady, and you do not want to mess with her, unless she wants to be messed with, and when she wants to be messed with, look out baby!  She's the kinda letter that will bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never ever let you forget your a man.  Va-va-va-voom, indeed.

8) The Letter A -  In the beginning, the was the letter A, and we looked upon it, and thought it a damn good letter.  It's good to be the first of something.   The leader of the pack.  The literal Alpha Male of the alphabet.  But with great power comes great responsibility (thanx Uncle Ben) and the letter A has responsibilities out the a-hole.  So many responsibilities, that they don't call him Mr. A-Responsibility for nuthin'.  The letter A is A number one, top of the heap.  The Fonz would agree.  So would my lovely wife, Amy.  A will getchya into Harvard or Oxford, and A-One will put a steak through your heart.  A+ indeed.

7) The Letter I - It's all about me, huh?  The eyes have it?  An eye for an I, and all the other puns that would fit in here.  This cute little dotted letter gets used a hell of a lot around these parts, but that's probably just due to my rather self-centered outlook on all things (the name of the blog is All Things Kevyn, after all), and therefore gets a placement here in the top ten.  I mean (see what I did there?) this little guy is a fun letter, a seemingly invincible letter, even when you're not using it as a spoiled rant.  I want this and I want that and I want it all.  The I's have it, and oh yeah, screw you R!

6) The Letter J - My man, the letter J.  A jaunty little guy that becomes the toast of the town every day around 4:20 (those in the know will get that joke), the little letter J is surely one of the cutest members of the alphabet, especially in his adorable dotted lower case identity (check out the last entry for another cutie-pie of the same ilk).  In the world of grammar, this little guy also represents a palatal approximant (look it up!) but he's not the kinda guy that lets something like that go to his head.  With a finger swooshing flourish in ASL, the little letter J is simply Dyn-O-mite!!

5) The Letter F - What can one say about the letter F?  About that fantastic Foxtrottin' sixth letter? This E with an amputee letter?  Well, like everyone else reading this right now, there is one particular word that pops immediately to mind.  One of my favourite words actually, and one of the most versatile as well.  A word that can be used as a noun, a verb, an adverb, and an adjective.  A word that an mean great happiness and terrible sorrow.  A word that can be used to describe a fun activity, as well as a word that can be used toward the end result of the greatest insult.  It's a word that will maybe turn on your bedtime partner or perhaps get your mouth washed out with soap, as happened to hapless little Ralphie in A Christmas Story.  But fuck that, F is more than just one simple F-word.  The letter F is simply fabulous from freaking beginning to freaking end.  Now, ain't that a fuckin' hoot!?

4) The Letter Q - This is a queer little letter, but quaint as well.  A fat cat player in Scrabble, and a royal personage in poker and solitaire. Q is the letter that gives James Bond all his funny little toys and gadgets.  Q is a quite quarky Q-Bert of a letter.  Sure, one might argue that without U following the great gal up almost every single time, he wouldn't be worth the ink she's written in, but I say that the letter U is merely the pawn of this queen of the alphabet.  I even created a whole planet named for it, in my Smiley-Face Land Adventures comics (soon to be seen right here on this very blog!).  Plus, with that stubby little tail coming off that voluptuous old school body, she's sexy as hell too. 

3) The Letter X - Hey, what can I say?  After 37 years or so as a fan of the Uncanny X-Men (even through their rather over-exposed, post 1990 period), as well as being a proud alumni of The Jean Grey School For Higher Learning (and my Facebook page says so, so it must be true), it should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me, that the grand letter X is so high on my list.  After all, this is a letter that not only marks the spot, but also does something in math that I have never really understood, but something that must be pretty important.  It's the Midnight Cowboy of letters.  The most X-treme of letters.  I don't always drink beer, but when I do, it's gonna have a coupla X's on the label.  And then there's the porn connection, but we can just gloss over that, and move on. Oh yeah, and screw you R!

2) The Letter K - Yeah yeah, I know.  Placing the letter that is both my first AND last initial (but don't worry, the middle initial is different) may seem a bit on the self-centered and/or egotistical side of things, but I surely cannot ignore a letter as great and as crooked as the letter K.  It's a special K (see what I did there?) and should be as high as the number two spot.  Special indeed.  Klick klack klick klack - K is often called the funniest of letters (some so-called experts claim that it is because a lot of traditional American humour is derived from Yiddish, a language that has many K sounds abounding - and thus we have a comedy legend born unto the world) and K is a letter full of kudos and kerfuffles.  Or at least it should be.  Hey, and it is also an integral part of the world's most famous haiku.  Kerplunk we go!

1) The Letter Y - Ya know, as I was compiling this list, I was having trouble coming up with which letter should be deemed the greatest, but then my lovely wife made it all a moot point, when she told me how much I obviously love the letter Y.  And ya know, it's true.  It's all true. From the fact that I changed the spelling of my first name from the so-called traditional Kevin, to the more Celtic-inspired Kevyn, to the fact that I tend to add a Y to the end of many words when I am happy about them (I don't eat eggs so much as eggy-weggs, and a bird is more likely to be called a birdy in my giddy excitement - yeah, I'm a big dork).  And, as my much-more-astute-than-thou wife pointed out, the letter Y is the only letter that is also a question. So why not Y?  Y not?  Its phonetic nom de plume is Yankee, and anyone who knows me and my baseball-loving side...well, you know.  And hey, Y is also the only letter that is both a consonant and a vowel. The most bi-polar of all the letters, and bi-polarism's pretty hot, right?  Maybe that's just me. Anyway, thanx to the lovely little missus, and her reminding me just how great the letter Y happens to be, we have ourselves a winner.  Y the hell not?

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Well, that's it kids.  I'll be back soon with another undeniably unforgettable post...oh wait, I do have one other thing to mention before we go to commercial.  It's a little something that will be happening a few months from now - in April to be exact.  And yes, it has a little something to do with the alphabet as well.  With the month of April, also comes the Blogging From A to Z April Challenge.  It's going to be a month long blogathon where each day of the month (sans Sundays) will see a fresh new post, each with a different letter of the alphabet. The blogathon has been happening each April for four years now (I think) and apparently there are a thousand or so bloggers that play along each year.  This will be my first time participating.  But enough of that now - it's still more than two months away.  Most of ya'll are going to forget about before then anyway.  Who knows, maybe I will too.  Anyway, thanx for coming and enjoying (I assume?  Maybe?) my list of the greatest letters of the alphabet.  See ya 'round the web.  Oh yeah, and screw you R!

11 comments:

  1. Y the hell not indeed, buddy-boy! Gotta love these lists o' yours. And fuck that R all up!

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  2. Y the hell not!!

    Thanx Ruuuf. I try doing some more unique stuff in my list-making than the usual, mindless, boring, gettin'-to-know-you chitchat (as Mia would say).

    Next up? Well, I don't know, but I will be looking at some of the best Bobby's at some point. Yeah, that's right.

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  3. Its been said before... ;)

    17th!!!

    The beautiful bouncing "B" is the best letter, rune, symBol, Brand there is. Without it, "ABC" is merely half of a bad rock band's name.

    I call B.S.!

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    Replies
    1. I don't know where that name came from. Changed it up.

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  4. You can't call B.S. Those two letters are too far down on the list to call on 'em. And when did ABC become a rock band?

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  5. Sure, out you testicle developing Y chromosome at number one. Typical guy. Typical boy.

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  6. Out you testicle? Out my testicle developing Y chromosome?? I am guessing you meant "put your testicle dev...yada yada." Typical woman. Messing up a perfectly easy insult. Typical girl.

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  7. Damn it! I was typing that quick at work. You know what I mean, you boy you.

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  8. Damn boys! We suck! You know how to hurt Ms. Rosenblatt. You sure know how to hurt. It's not like we called you a #17. Ha! See what I did?

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  9. Y is a fine letter, dear sir, but please allow me the pleasue of making a case for the Letter X. Not only is the majestic X the proverbial one that marks any and all spots, but this mighty crossboned letter is the gene that has given birth to everyone from Charles Xavier to En Sabah Nur. The mighty mighty X is not only a seminal punk or post-punk, if youn will, bands of the day, but also the place in the road where Robert Johnson sold his soul and gained eternal greatness. The X, when tripled, brings copious amounts of sex and/or liquor, and if that is your thing, as they say, then it is a great thing, indeed. The X is just plain and simply, the greatest, yet most misunderstood, letter of the alphabet. Xerxes was not devoured by mice for nothing, dear comrade. There you have my humble plea for the Letter X. Do with it what you will.

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  10. Well, Dex my British bestie, X is indeed a fine letter, hence my placing it in the semi-coveted number three spot. All you have done is make me want to go back and listen to some X. Listening to Under the Big Black Sun, as I type this.

    Oh, and by the by, didjya know that the Arabic equivalent of the letter X, is called Ha!? True story.

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