Monday, January 13, 2014

The 10 Most Wonderfully Ridiculous Sports Mascots

Forget the Phillie Fanatic.  Forget Mr. Met.  Forget Sparty at Michigan State and forget Rocky of the Denver Nuggets.  Forget Uga the Bull Dog and the freakin' Rally Monkey in Anaheim.  Forget Benny the Bull and Wally the Green Monster.  Hell, you can even forget the San Diego Chicken.  Granted, these are some of the most popular of sports mascots, but they are too ordinary for this guy.  I want the weird and wonderful.  I want the wild and wacky.  I want the what the fuck!?  Yes, the guys on this list are quite ridiculous, but they are also wonderful.  But hey, since this is only a top ten list (I was tempted to go to twenty), that means there are many worthies, or almost worthies, if you will, that will not make the list, and therefore, a bunch of runners-up.  And since I haven't included images of the runners-up, I highly recommend you look some of these bad boys up - it'll soooo be worth it.

Some of the more intriguing of these aforementioned runners-up are, in no particular order, Steely McBeam, the hardened steel worker getting all those Pittsburgh Steelers fans a-goin'; the Southern Illinois Saluki (there's actually two of them, and they are creepy as hell looking); the Roboduck of the University of Oregon (yeah, really - go ahead and google him - I'll wait); the Horned frog, known as Super Frog. from Texas Christian University; Squatch (a slam-dunking Sasquatch) working Seattle SuperSonics fans into a frenzy; Wake Forest's Demon Deacon; Big Red, a fuzzy "thing" from the halls of Western Kentucky U. (pictured above); the unidentifiable Youppi, who went from being the mascot of the now defunct Montreal Expos to the ice-skating cheer master for the Montreal Canadiens; Burnie, the fiery, basketball-nosed mascot of the Miami Heat; that evil-ass looking bear that root root roots for the Utah Jazz; the 76er's Hip Hop the Rabbit (quite acrobatic but what a crappy costume); the St. Louis  College of Pharmacy Eutectic (I can't explain - look him up); and in the English Football League, we have the Swansea City Swan, affectionately called the Sadistic Swan due to personality problems (yup).  Yeah, yeah, there are many others (and I'm sure you're upset that I didn't include your alma mater or hometown team) , but it's time to get on with the list, so let's move on.

And awaaaaaaay we go...


10. The Xavier University Blue Blob
Although the official school mascot is D'Artagnan the Musketeer, this fuzzy blob of a mascot, who looks a lot like a blue version of Captain Caveman, is the fan favourite, eliciting a slew of promotional items from bobble-heads to plush dolls, as well as making an appearance in Playboy magazine.  Yeah, that's right.


9. Goleo & Pille of the 2006 FIFA World Cup
There was some criticism over the national symbol of rivals England and Holland, being chosen for the German-hosted World Cup, but still, this loving lion (a pretty boy if ya ask me) and his talking football/soccer ball sidekick (they've even tried their hands at music videos) are just alright with me.


8. The Ft. Wayne Mad Ant
Seriously!?  Why the hell not?  If Ant-Man can be one of the original Avengers, then this steroid-laden, big and beefy, psycho-looking giant, self-described, mad ant (called the Nightmare Ant at Deadspin sports site - It's Them!  It's Them!) can be the mascot of this NBA Development League team.  So there.


7. The Delta State Fighting Okra
 The school's official mascot is the Statesman, but when you think tough mascots, ones that will put the fear of god into the opposing team and their adoring fans, one need only think of a piece of vegetation - some ruffage if you will - and this unofficial mascot makes the grade.  Okra! Okra! Okra! Okra!


6. The San Diego Chargers Bolt Man
This batshitcrazy Max Headroom-looking mofo should probably be checked for steroid use, but this insane look is also what gets this guy on the list.  He probably scares the bejeezus out of kids when he comes roaming through the stands, and that too helps to get this nightmarish kinda guy on the list.


5. The St. Louis University Billiken
What exactly is a Billiken, you ask?  Well, he's a freaky little charm doll dreamt up my an American art teacher back in 1908.  Normally, this little guy resembles a knock-off Buddha,but in the hearts of the students at St. Louis U., he looks a lot like the infamous Bat Boy of tabloid fame.


4. The Wichita State WuShock
What's a tough mascot?  Forget the ant or the okra from earlier on the list.  Howzabout a bundle of wheat?  Howzabout a muscle-bound bundle of wheat?  Yup, that's what the kids at Wichita State get.  Called WuShock, or Wu for short, this guy has been kidnapped, beaten up, and even tossed out of games.


3. Sammy the Slug from UC Santa Cruz
 The school mascot used to be a sea lion, but in 1986, in an overwhelmingly lopsided student poll, the banana slug was installed as the official mascot and log for the school - much to the displeasure of the chancellor.  This bugger can even be spied on John Travolta's shirt in Pulp Fiction.


2. Scrotie from Rhode Island School of Design
Granted, Scrotie is not the official mascot of RISD (really, what self-respecting college  administrator is going to sign off on this one?), but with the full support of the student body, this dick of a mascot root root roots for all the teams, including the basketball team, the Balls, and the hockey team, the Nads (Go Nads!).


1. The Stanford Tree
Seriously, who has a tree for a mascot?  Yeah, I know, the last entry was a scrotum-as-mascot, but for some reason, a tree seems even more out there - which, of course, is why I love it.  And just to add to the silliness, the Tree has gotten into public fist fights, and has been arrested for public drunkenness during a game.

That's it.  See ya 'round the web.

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