Monday, December 9, 2013

The 10 Sexiest Muppets

Yeah, that's right.  You read that correctly.  The ten sexiest Muppets.  Now don't tell me you haven't already made this same list in your own head, or maybe even written it down in some random notebook you have sitting around.  Really?  You haven't?  It's just me?  Oh well.  So be it.  But even if you haven't already considered a list such as this, or perhaps you've had a stray indecent thought about one Muppet or another (wondering what Gonzo could do with that nose, or maybe what's under those scrubs on Nurse Janice), now is the time to see just who I happen to think are the ten sexiest Muppets around - and maybe you will agree.  So here we go.  Let the countdown commence. Oh yeah, and for all you Kermit lovers out there, sorry, the frog just ain't all that sexy.

First, some runners-up to get us started: Let's face it, they don't call him Big Bird for nuthin'.  If Lea Thompson can have sex with Howard the Duck, then why the hell can't the ladies lap up the luxurious feathered locks of Sesame Street's (probably, unless you count Snuffy) most well-endowed denizen!?  Then ya got Link Hogthrob, the Rock Hudson-esque stud muffin of the Muppet Show.  He is certainly a heartthrob, hence the name, but his overblown ego (which is very unsexy), keeps this otherwise hunky piece o' pork off the list, and in the runners-up stable.  What about Gonzo, you ask?  Well, they do call him Gonzo the Great after all.  And remember the aforementioned parenthetical proboscis comment?  Yeah, I bet you do.  Remember the old Willie Dixon song, Back Door Man?  Maybe you remember the Doors cover version.  Anyway, one of the lines in there is, "I eat more chicken any man ever seen."  There's a sexual joke in there somewhere about Gonzo's henhouse harem, but I'll just let you come up with the particulars on your own.  As for the final of the four runners-up, we go the stoic Gary Cooper-esque route.  Sam the Eagle is a manly sort of, Muppet, and any God-fearing, flag-waving, red-blooded American girl would be lucky to have 'im.  But enough of this runners-up nonsense...on with the list.

And awaaaaaaay we go...

10. The Snowths
Sure Mahna Mahna gets all the credit (and how could he not, since the song is basically just him scatting his name over and over again), and I suppose the guy ain't hard on the eyes (if you're into the hippy freak kinda thing), but it is the sexy Snowths (are they girls or boys?) that make the song go all do doo doo do doo doo.

9. Crazy Harry
With his pale green skin and meth-addict eyes, and his penchant for blowing things up, Harry may not seem like the ideal date, but girls do love a bad boy, and Harry is pretty bad.  Well, at least he's pretty crazy, and isn't that all a girl looks for in a guy.  Well, isn't it ladies?  Seriously, isn't it?

8. Miss Piggy
Actually I don't find Piggy sexy at all, but I really wanted to do a Sir Mix-A-Lot "I like big butts" joke, and then toss some sort of, "who doesn't enjoy the taste of bacon" kinda thing out there.  Plus, as a guy, this was seeming a bit too much like a sausage fest.  So, big butts and bacon jokes.  There ya go.

7. Beaker
Science geek lab assistant to Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, this adorable little beeper can ride into his number seven position on the ever-so popular lab coattails of the guys on The Big Bang Theory.   Anyone who finds Sheldon Cooper sexy, cannot deny the appeal of young Mr. Beaker.

6. The Swedish Chef
They say the fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach, so why not include a chef on this list.  Plus ladies (or guys, if you wish), isn't the allure of a foreign man of danger, a pretty sexy thing indeed?  And by danger, I mean the guy screams in pidgin Swedish and tosses knives all over the place.

5. Floyd Pepper
Named after a Beatles album, or at least a character from a Beatles album, this mustacheod hippy bass player for The Electric Mayhem is one of several members of the Muppet Show band to make this list.  After all, musicians do make for a sexier breed than your average guy and/or Muppet.

4. The Count
One!  Aah aah aah!  One sexy vampire!  Aah aah aah!  Two!  Aah aah aah!  Two sexy fangs!  Aah aah aah.  The Count is a true blue vampire, not one of those silly sparkling Twilighty creatures, and that in and of itself, makes him all the more sexier.  And then there's that goatee. Aah aah aah!

3. Rowlf
Hey, another musician. This time it's the hip piano playin' dog known as Rowlf (actually the very first Muppet ever created by Mr. Henson).  Rowlf is the kinda Muppet that can woo you with his smooth piano playing, while sexin' you up with his raspy puppy dog voice.  Ruff ruff.

2. Janice
Yup, another musician, but this one's for the fellas (or the ladies, whatever bakes your cakes).  With a voice like Joplin and a body like Twiggy, Janice, the hippy Nico-esque chanteuse of The Electric Mayhem sexes her way up to the number two spot on our little list.

1. Animal
How could the ultimate bad boy, and yet another member of the Electric Mayhem, not be in the top spot on out list?  Sure, ladies usually go for the guitar player, and not the drummer, but how can anyone resist such pure animal magnetism.  Yeah, that's right.  What says sexiest Muppet more than Animal?  Nothing!

See ya 'round the web.


  1. What!? No Sweetums!? Ya know, some like 'em big and hairy.

  2. This list is pretty accurate. I definitely agree with the number 1 spot.

  3. All the ladies love a wild man musician with great hair.

  4. Great list and why does the Swedish Chef never find Miss Piggy:)