Friday, December 13, 2013

The 10 Best Damn Mustaches in the World

That's right ladies and germs, today we are taking a look at that manliest of manly hairy accoutrements - the mustache.  Now there have been some pretty stellar mustaches throughout history, from Genghis Khan to Vlad the Impaler to some guy named Hitler.  Sure, there were good mustaches on the heroes of history as well, such as Wyatt Earp and Pancho Villa.  There have been some great mustacheod gentlemen in the White House as well, where you have Chester A. Arthur, William Howard Taft and Teddy Roosevelt.   And let us not forget about Joseph Stalin and Kaiser Wilhelm.  Moving onto the athletic set, some rather notable sporting 'staches come in such fields as wrestling (Hulk Hogan), Nascar (Richard Petty), Swimming (Mark Spitz), and of course, baseball, with such daring mustacheod players as Davey Lopes, Phil Garner, Wade Boggs, Keith Hernandez, Thurman Munson, Donny Mattingly, Garry Maddox, Reggie Jackson, Mike Schmidt, Catfish Hunter, Sparky Lyle, Jason Giambi, Greg & Mike Maddux, Goose Gossage, and a player to be named later (as in, later on the actual list - a foreshadowing kinda thing).  And of course there is always Chicago's very own Mike Ditka.

The cinematic world has also had a slew of great facial hair.  You have Douglas Fairbanks Sr., Errol Flynn, Clark Gable, Charlie Chaplin, Oliver Hardy, Peter Sellers, Burt Reynolds, and more recently, Daniel Day-Lewis as Bill the Butcher in Gangs of New York.  Oh yeah, and let's not skip Mr. Ron Jeremy.  Or lest we forget, Agatha Christie's Hercule Poirot, a 'stache that nearly made the final cut.  On TV you have Magnum P.I., aka Mr. Tom Selleck, and Pat Harrington as Schneider on One Day at a Time, as well as (before his famous shaving of aught three) Jeopardy's very own Alex Trebeck.  In the world of music, ya get the likes of Freddie Mercury, John Oates,  Ted Nugent, Glenn Hughes (the biker in the Village People), and on occasion, Metallica's James Hetfield.  And let us not forget all those comic and cartoon mustaches like Snuffy Smith, Boris Badenov, Dick Dastardly, Dum Dum Dugan, Baltrac the Leaper, Omni-Man, Sinestro, Kraven the Hunter, The Mandarin, Ollie Queen, aka the Green Arrow, Tony 'Iron Man' Stark, and Hogun, Fandral, and Volstagg, the Warriors Three.  There's also Captain Hook, Ned Flanders, and Mr. Gomez Addams.  And to not leave out the ladies, there is always Miss Frida Kahlo.  Sorry, had to.

But enough of all those who did not make the list.  What of those who did? Patience, young padawan, we are getting there.  Before we go there, please allow the mention of three proudly mustacheod fellas that just missed out on making the list.  These three are film critic Gene Shalit, and actors Wilfred Brimley and Sam Elliot.  And if anyone has seen these three 'staches, then they know how iconic they are, and how great the ten that made the list must  be.  So, without further ado, here are the ten best damn mustaches in the world.  Let the countdown begin.

And awaaaaaaay we go...

10. Yosemite Sam
Who is the rootinest tootinest cowboy west of the Pecos?  Well, it's that red mustacheod two gun slinger in the twenty gallon hat - that's who.  Yup, that's right, and that Looney Tuned Yosemite Sam has the rootinest tootinest mustache this side of the Pecos as well.

9. Friedrich Nietzsche
Yowza!  That is one hell of a mustache on that crazy bastard - and we're only up to number nine.  But seriously, that is the kind of mustache that gets ya the ladies - that's for sure.  In fact that is the kinda 'stache that could getchya a bad case of Syphilis.  I kid.  Too soon?

8. Groucho Marx
Okay, okay, it may have been a painted on mustache (he did sport a real one sometimes as well) but it's still pretty fucking fantastic.  And c'mon, it has to be a pretty darn good 'stache to become the model for one of the most classic of cheap Halloween costumes.

7. John Waters
The Baltimore-based film director happens to hold the distinction of being the only member of this list that I have actually met, and let me tell ya, that pencil-thin mustache is even better in person.  An odd fact that has nothing to do with mustaches?  John Waters collects fake food. That's right.

6. Snidely Whiplash
As the arch-nemesis of do-gooder Dudley Do-Right, and a guy who loved tying women (well, one woman at least) to the train tracks, Mr. Whiplash did it all with great mustacheod style and flair.  Enough so that Hanna-Barbara ripped him off when they created Dick Dastardly a decade later.

5. Fu Manchu
A mustache based on a fictional character in the movies (he never had a 'stache in the books btw), and what a damn dandy mustache it just so happens to be.  Granted, the Fu Manchu films are rather crappy (though they do have a certain je ne sai quoi at times), but the mustache rules, baby! 

4. Salvador Dali
Sometimes he would wear flowers in his 'stache.  Other times he would twist it into different shapes.  Other times, Surrealist artist/filmmaker Dali would just melt into the ground like one of his iconic paintings.  Okay, that last one may not be true, but that is one hell of groovy 'stache.

3. J. Jonah Jameson
With their similar mustaches (though on occasion, his is drawn a bit differently), I could have put either Hitler or Chaplin in this spot, but the insufferable charm of Spider-Man's arch (non-super-powered) enemy, and current NYC mayor (at least in the comics), was too much to leave this Daily Bugler out of the running.

2. Rollie Fingers
The long-time Oakland A's ace reliever (he also played in San Diego and Milwaukee) and Baseball Hall-of-Famer, was once nicknamed Snidely Whiplash, because of the handlebar 'stache that he wore (and wears to this day), but yeah, he was one hell of a pitcher too.  I'm sure the 'stache helped.

1. Frank Zappa
C'mon, with that iconic think 'stache and soul patch, how could the late great Frank Zappa not be at the top of this list!?  The musical genius (that's right!) and Mother of Invention was not only one of the great innovators of modern music, but also one hell of a human being.  Oh yeah, and that 'stache.

See ya 'round the web.


  1. Nice choice fer numero uno, but where the fuck is Pai Mai?!?

  2. Pai Mai has graciously given way to Fu Manchu, the man for whom Sensei Pai's facial hair was named. So there!

  3. My fav on this list has to go to Salvador Dali. Can you imagine him without the iconic 'stache? No can do.

  4. As a dedicated beard and mustache enthusiast, I was drawn to this list like the proverbial moth to cyber flame, but I must say, the exclusion of a mustache as firmly iconic and as stoically monumental as Mr. Samuel Elliott, is a great displeasure to this pleasure seeker. Sure, his may not be the fanciest or the most eye-popping, and it may not even come close to the elaborateness of some of the World Beard and Mustache champions of lore, but there is something just manly-man simple about it that makes it all the more special. But that is just one simple man's opinion, and after all, you did include Sam's stache in the runners-up spot. And, as someone who grew up in the late 1960's and early 1970's in Oakland, California, I am damn glad to see the great Rollie Fingers at number two.

  5. As you already know thanks to the power of social media and that F-site, my fav is the Scotus Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

  6. Um, Hercule Poiroit? The most iconic fictional moustaches EVER!

  7. Let's see. Where to begin? A ha.

    First, Mr. Cocksbottom (which I am guessing, nay, hoping, is a fake name). As I am sure you have read, Sam Elliot did almost make the list. In fact he was the final cut before the list was finalized, essentially making the guy number eleven.

    Second, Biffareeno. As we have already discussed on that aforementioned F-site, I was mightily impressed with old Ollie Wendell Holmes when I saw his 'stache, and I must admit to having never even thought of him while compiling this list.

    Third, aftbowen25 (who, judging from the name, I am going to assume I know, but will not reveal if said person wishes to keep their anonymity). I do make mention of M. Poirot in my introduction, and if I were to stretch the list to a top twenty, he would probably come in around fifteenth or so.

    But hey, I do appreciate the feedback here, and hope to see/read more of it in future posts. In fact, the more comments (either praising or criticizing or anything in between) the merrier it will all be. Thanx for adding to the merriment. Hope to hear from everyone again soon.

  8. Best pencil thin: John Waters

    Best handle-bar: Jim Croce

    Best overall by a group: Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band

  9. Oh Mr. Anonymous, I know who you, Bill K. I know you. You can't hide from me. Oh, and Glenn Hughes of the Village People has a much better and bushier handlebar than Croce. So there!

  10. I had a Dali-esque stache at one point in my life. Used to style it into all kinds of weird shapes. It could go from Fu Manchu to Rollie Fingers to Dali and back again. Then my psycho girlfriend cut it off one night while I slept. Karazy.

  11. That Zappa was one sexy motherfucker. Seriously. I would've spread my legs for him any day.

  12. Is there anyone you WOULD'NT spread your legs for, Cherry darlin'?

  13. Anyone I would not spread my legs for?

  14. Ha!! That's why we love you Esther.

  15. Gotta admit, I walked right the fuck into that one. Didn't I? Oh welly-well, what's a guy to do?

    But c'mon Cherry baby, after all these years, why don't we just put all the bullshit away? I can move on if you can. We had bad blood over the whole Henry thang, but he's dead and nuthin' we do will evah change dat. That's a fact, Jack! Hell, we haven't even seen each other since his funeral.

    Of course, the fact that you fucked Darren Moorehead in the church bathroom AT HENRY"S FUNERAL, doesn't help matters, do it? I know you guys had split years before he died, but that was still fucking disrespectful as all fuck, especially with Henry's parents being there, and knowing exactly what was going on by the by - and this comin' from a guy who has done way way way more than his own share of disrespectful shit.

    See what I did there? Ha! Guess I can't move on so easily after all. I gotsa keep on bein' the Dangerman.

  16. I'm over it. How 'bout you Rufus? Time to grow up. Time to stop believing your own hype.

  17. I'll always belive my own hype. Somebody's gotta. But yeah, let's be over it. I already laid out a pretty heart-felt diatribe in the comments of my guest post, so I'll just leave it at dat.

  18. Leaving it we will. Wink wink, nudge nudge.